


Heart of the Island: BOOK ONE

by jacob_sayid



Series: Heart of the Island [1]
Category: Lost
Genre: Anal Sex, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Character, Dominance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gentle Sex, Kissing, Light BDSM, M/M, Male Character of Color, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash, Oral Sex, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Content, Spiritual, Spiritual sex, Spiritual union, Submission, Transformation, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000, Wordcount: 30.000-50.000, Wordcount: 50.000-100.000, Wordcount: Over 20.000, Wordcount: Over 50.000, threesome (m-m-m)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 03:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 36,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1536281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacob_sayid/pseuds/jacob_sayid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>Dramatis personæ: Sayid Jarrah, Jacob, MIB, and a surprise character </b>
</p><p>  <b>Heart of the Island is non-canon slash (m/m), Lost fanfic that indirectly refers to events from various seasons of Lost, but has gone off in a new direction.</b></p><p>  <b>HEART OF THE ISLAND:</b> Two brothers have lived on the Island for a very long time. One of the survivors, Sayid Jarrah, is fated to be possessed by them both; one through love, and the other through darkness.</p><p><b>In BOOK ONE:</b> Sayid endures an horrific ordeal that breaks him open, healing and transforming the source of his inner darkness. As he loosens the defenses that have kept him apart from others, he finds that he has been accepted by the Island as Jacob's lover.</p><p>Music I listen to while writing the Heart of the Island series: Younger Brother, Foo Fighters, Coke Studio, David Sylvian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An interloper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DAY ONE

##  **Heart of the Island** is a TRILOGY. This is the first chapter of Book One. The three books equal the length of a standard novel.

[Book 2: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1545329/chapters/3272909](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1545329/chapters/3272909)

[Book 3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/2280219/chapters/5011035](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2280219/chapters/5011035)

 

“Sayid,” said a male voice, someplace near, a soft voice compared to the raucous sounds of the island birds discussing the coming day.

Instantly Sayid was alert, alarmed by a strange voice, his hand finding his weapon, finger firm on the trigger guard. The response was instinctual, and brought back memories of Iraq. No, he was on the Island.

Sayid waited, listening, then gently rolled very slightly in his bed, as though simply shifting in his sleep, ready to roll either way in an instant if needed.

“Sayid...” the voice seemed nearer now, and he willed himself to remain completely relaxed as he appeared to raise a barely alert head, blinking through his hair. It was only just light, light enough to see where the voice was coming from.

He moved quickly off the low bunk, crouching across from a man he had never seen before, somehow already in the tent and sitting next to his clothes. In a few moments of disciplined observation, Sayid took in the man's stance, body size, empty hands and quiet demeanor.

There were several moments of silence. Sayid held the handgun pointing down, in plain view, his finger still on the trigger guard. He was relaxed, but poised for movement as he watched the man closely.

“Who are you?” Sayid finally asked, his voice controlled, with a lilt of very slight emphasis to acknowledge the skill of the interloper. _I'm slipping_... he chided himself for leaving his clothes out of arms reach.

The stranger kept his hands relaxed, also in plain view.

“You will know my name soon, but first... I have a favor to ask.”

“Go on...” Sayid waved his chin slightly, some of his black curls suddenly tumbling down from their bed time perch atop his head.

The man laughed, smiling, then settled back into a quiet calm. “Tell me the name of the person that you most trust in this world, someone who you knew, before this island.”

Of course Sayid knew who this was. “And why should I do that?” he asked, eying his hostage clothes.

The man laughed again, then slowly handed Sayid his pants. Sayid held them for a moment, then placed the handgun on the little table at his right elbow, out of the stranger's reach but still in view, then stood to pull on his pants.

The man smiled, supremely relaxed, yet obviously full of purpose. He looked around the tent as though he was already greatly fond of it. He looked back at Sayid with the same apparent sentiment.

“And so we begin.”

 

 


	2. Be like father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> DAY ONE
> 
> My brother visited you described as someone you knew before the Island.  
> Sayid remembers his brother appearing to him days ago, holding the dead chicken out to him, "Be like father." Sayid said this to his brother to help him become stronger.  
> My brother has chosen you. Assessed your ability to love.  
> "But my brother, Sayid. He sees what is hidden in you. He will challenge you, to see if it still waits, to see if you will reach for it."

Sayid relaxed into the tired old chair in his tent and scrutinized his auspicious visitor in the growing light. He was clearly not one of the Others, and Sayid sensed no threat from him. The man was in his middle years, apparently of medium height and slight of build, with blond, scruffy hair and beard, blue eyes, and pale, white skin. His clothes were rough and seemed hand made. His hands were also rough, and he was barefoot. He had a patient, almost resigned air about him that Sayid was happy to ascribe to an unwavering benevolence. The man seemed to be on an errand of import, but was pacing himself so slowly that Sayid guessed the goal to be a long ways off.

Trained as a soldier, Sayid had continued to keep the location of the nearby handgun foremost in his consciousness lest it become a liability in the event of a surprise. He now leaned a little forward and put it in the back waist of his pants so he could focus all of his attention on what the man was about to say.

“You were saying...” Sayid prompted as he settled back into the chair, offering the upper hand in the conversation, ready to gather information from this strange, enigmatic man.

The man did not move. His lack of movement was very noticeable. “There is another on this island that you have not met, someone besides me,” the man began. “He has visited you, but he was disguised as someone you knew, from before the Island.”

Immediately Sayid thought of his brother, the memory still vivid. Days ago, his brother as a boy had so suddenly stood before him, near nightfall, the beheaded chicken by the legs in his hand, the blood dripping into the thick grass. His brother held the lifeless chicken out to him, and Sayid had clearly heard three words in his brother's voice before he seemed to slip sideways into nothingness.

“Be like father,” his brother had said.

When Sayid had touched the grass, there was no blood. He still felt that it was real.

The man joined Sayid's memory as though he also saw his brother's unmoving lips, heard his brother's voice, felt the cool grass with no blood.

“The child that you saw was my brother, not yours,” the man offered.

 _How does he know? That it was my brother, a child?_ Sayid wondered. 

“How could that be?” Sayid asked. “How could your brother appear as mine?”

“We both have that power,” the man said with a frank tone of warning in his voice. He added with emphasis, “I will never approach you in that way.”

Sayid remembered the moment, and the words, _be like father_. The words he had said to his brother, to try to help him to become strong.

Sayid's father had been so cruel, and capable of spirit crushing acts of violence on a whim, strong at the expense of others. His brother had never managed to overcome the weakness their father attacked in him. But Sayid had learned to increase his own hatred and defense against cruel strength, to protect his brother, and so to act so against others. He became like his father.  _Cruelty is passed on so..._ he thought. _I learned how break others, finding it pleasing. And at last learned to kill with no regret._

The man was waiting. Then he seemed to straighten just a little in his chair.

 _Finally_... Sayid thought. _Finally we begin._

“My brother knows I have chosen you, Sayid. My brother came first to assess your loyalty, your ability to love, _how_ you love.” The man smiled, looking into Sayid's eyes with such sincere affection that Sayid had to will himself not to look away. “Now I am sure as well."

"But my brother has seen what is hidden in you. He will challenge your time of immense darkness, to see if it still waits, _to see if you will reach for it_."

 _How could he know_...? Sayid asked himself, feeling equally curious and dismayed about what the man might be referring to.

Their eyes remained locked until Sayid finally relaxed into this gaze, eye to eye. The man smiled again. He exuded a strange magnetism, a charisma that Sayid found himself wanting to possess, to follow. He had already checked this in himself out of habit. Following was a spare luxury on this Island, with allegiances that shifted during a crisis. How he longed to serve someone who could truly lead. It had been so many many years...

 “Will you tell me who you loved and trusted most before you came to the island, Sayid?” the man asked, patiently awaiting an answer. He watched Sayid closely, and Sayid thought that he was as interested in what showed in him as he answered more than the answer itself.

 _I will not speak of it_ , Sayid thought, having never spoken of it. He told himself those early memories of love and trust were irrelevant because they were from his childhood.

 _Be honest_ , Sayid decided, setting his reluctance aside. _I want to find out who this man is, what he knows._ All Sayid had to go on was instinct, and he felt that he wanted to be honest, wanted to find out what would happen next. Still... it was not in his nature to betray such eagerness or trust. He waited a few moments, appearing to remain unsure.

Finally, he said simply, “My brother.”


	3. My name is Jacob

“My brother,” Sayid answered the man's question in the simple voice of someone who was both telling the truth, and obviously awaiting further information from the listener. He willed himself to relax completely. He had yet detected no danger or deception in the man's face, eyes or body posture. Sayid sat back a little in the groaning old basket chair, stacking his bare feet together in the cold.

“You can trust me, Sayid,” the man said, handing him his shirt and sandals. Sayid took them, noticing the man's hands. He had large callouses on the inside of his thumbs. Sayid dropped his sandals, slipping them on, then laid his shirt on the bunk.

“I fish.” The man said. “I am a fisherman, and my name is Jacob.”

“And how do you know my name, Jacob?” Sayid countered, though he felt the last of his suspicion slipping away. _I can trust him..._  

“You can trust me, Sayid,” the man said again. He seemed to await a certain response from Sayid.

The sounds of people awakening and moving about were drifting over to Sayid's tent, strategically placed alone beyond the trail from the beach. The door faced the trail, with open netting between his bed and the path into the jungle. If someone came or went by the usual means while he was in his tent, he was aware of these movements.

“How did you get into my tent?” he asked, curious how his movements hadn't awakened him.

“I came in by the door,” Jacob said, laughing, smiling with his eyes. “I truly think it is because you sensed no danger in me that you did not wake... until I was ready to talk. I think that you have been waiting for me, you have expected me for some time now.”

 _Could that really be true?_ Sayid thought as he frowned slightly.

At last the man relaxed his total focus on Sayid, obviously satisfied with the direction of their visit. He watched as Sayid stood up and pulled on his shirt, removing and then checking the safety, pulling the slide to check it was loaded and not jammed, then replacing his handgun as he tucked the shirt into the back of his pants. He slowly pulled his black curls through his hands, shaking and adjusting them onto the back of his head.

This is just one more _completely strange, opening up out of nowhere, Island_ experience, he reflected, finally allowing himself a quiet smile and a little back and forth shake of his curls, looking up as he rolled his eyes slightly from the humor of the moment. None of the man's revelations made any logical sense to him. The reference to his brother's visit seemed to be about someone else, for he did not think of himself as a man of love, though he certainly understood loyalty.

Still, he had loved.... more than once. _My brother... how I loved you._

“I am going to leave now, Sayid. We need to meet someplace away from your people. I am known by more than name to only those who have chosen the Island.”

“Tell me...” Sayid stood as Jacob rose from his seat.

Jacob stopped. Their faces were close to each other in the moist darkness at the top of the tent. It seemed their own little world there, with only the two men, eye to eye.

Jacob smiled, a great tenderness in his eyes as he slowly reached out with his right hand, lightly clasping the shorter man's muscular arm, rubbing his golden skin slightly.

Immediately Sayid was overcome with the memory from his youth. His older brother sent to slaughter a chicken, the beloved brother's tender heart and hesitation blistering Sayid with fear of their advancing father's fury. Sayid had quickly broken the chicken's neck while it still hung in his brother's hand. Too late. Their father behind them taunted his brother, calling Sayid a man, and Omer a boy. Omer's painful shame and desperate desire for their father's love burned him inside, burned like the familiar pain he saw in his brother's face, burning in him again, day after day.

He would have taken his brother's place without hesitation, bore his beloved brother's trials for him. But Sayid had no family. His brother was dead now, a casualty of endless war, and Sayid closed his eyes tightly, blessing him with the little prayer for his peace.

The memory had slipped away, and Sayid realized Jacob was still holding his arm, steadying him.

“Do you see why I might believe that you are capable of strong loyalty and love?” Jacob asked.

Sayid was so puzzled he could only answer with a smile. Then, “will you tell me... how you know what it is that is in my mind?” Sayid's eyes clearly focused, openly revealed his need for understanding. Speaking more quietly as they stood, their faces close, he could see a complex array of blue and gold in the color of the man's eyes. He could smell the man's sweat, and another scent, like moist clay. His breath smelled of honey, a familiar scent from Sayid's favorite childhood treat, an endless gift from the generous bees, who simply made more.

Sayid believed in the bees then, and he believed in this man now. When the Island offered, he had learned to accept. What the island revealed was usually something with its own logic, unfolding like a science fiction story or a faery tale, entirely on the Island's terms. He had learned that it was best to join with the unfolding mystery from the beginning, and be prepared to assume his place in it. Waiting and watching only meant his role would be more complicated when he finally stepped into it.

“You cannot know yet who you are to me, Sayid. Who we can be together.” Jacob's voice had a secretive, velvet quiet to the way he said “together,” his head tilting upwards slightly. “I will tell you now when and where to come to me, and then we will truly begin,” he said, gently tightening his grasp on Sayid's arm, a look of resolute promise in his face as with a firm downward nod of his head he then dropped his hand back to his side.

“I do not wish to wait,” Sayid confessed. “I want to know who you are, and why you are here, with me. You have something to tell me...” Sayid felt his own eyes open more, just slightly, showing there the need he felt and revealed to Jacob, so close to him.

“I know this, Sayid,” Jacob said softly, and for a moment, Sayid felt and saw in his mind the man's eyes pooling and swirling like the tide. _Oh my,_ he thought. _Is this truly a man? And I have already given him my heart._

“Take this,” Jacob said. Somehow unnoticed in the man's left hand, Jacob lifted a simple brass compass, and offered it to Sayid.

The metal was warm in Sayid's hand, no doubt from being carried on Jacob's person. Sayid looked at the compass, which pointed north, then swirled a little, then pointed north again. Sayid knew that compasses only half-worked in the strong magnetism of the Island.

“Come to the beach of the shattered sentinel,” he instructed. “Bring with you enough food and supplies for several days. When you come to the beach, the compass will show the way you must follow. You will find a rocky path that leads to me. I will be waiting.

“When shall I come?” Sayid asked.

“You may choose,” Jacob's delight at Sayid's question seemed to him very close to becoming a sigh. “You must come alone, I cannot bring or lead you. My brother may test you again, and he may try to deceive you. But he cannot harm you, for you are under my protection. You have been under my protection for a long while now. We have both been waiting for you.”

Jacob smiled, and Sayid felt honest gratitude. He believed Jacob, pleased to realize that he trusted him. _The Island at work..._ The Island was like a person, an entity always present in the designs of all who lived here.

“I will come," Sayid said firmly.

“I am so happy, Sayid," he said with a boyish smile, then turned to lift the tent flap and slip from the tent, holding the flap aside as Sayid stepped out. Sayid heard familiar voices at the other end of camp, and glanced at the unusually empty camp before turning to watch as Jacob slowly walked up the path into the jungle, visible for several moments, his back and shock of golden hair disappearing beyond the first curve in the jungle trail.


	4. Heading North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> DAY ONE

For a moment Sayid considered following the man... if he was a man. He did not wish to wait when there was something to be done, something to be learned, intelligence to be gathered. He had become so used to acting alone, on his own behalf, that fully cooperating with another felt good. He was cautious about indulging his feelings in this way, but he had decided to trust Jacob, and wanted to earn Jacob's trust as well.

Sayid walked across to the thriving camp nestled under the jungle canopy where it met the beach. Suddenly it was full of life again, people stepping out of their tents, walking up or down the beach, greeting each other.

“Good morning,” Sayid greeted Sawyer, who appeared to be cleaning out his tent.

“Well, good morning yourself,” Sawyer smiled. “Beautiful day... not a cloud...” he added, gesturing towards the horizon. He noticed how Sayid's dark eyes seemed more relaxed somehow, smiling. They both laughed. They knew very well that rain was always five minutes away in this place.

Sayid continued, greeting others as he passed, noticing which people seemed to be hiding something, or bored, or plotting something, or bored. Then there were the ones who were always cheerful, giving and kind, rarely caught up in self-centered drama. Sayid of course preferred their company, though he had little in common with them. He was too disciplined to fully relax into their good-natured fun. They seemed to know that he liked their interest in him, and sometimes teased him lightly until they got a smile.

He came to Jack's tent and found him returning from someplace, carrying his medical kit.

“Good morning, Jack,” he began.

“Yes, good morning, Sayid,” Jack stopped, placing the kit in front of his door, always happy to see his friend. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“As a matter of fact, there is. I am leaving camp for a few days. I will leave later today. I am feeling confined in camp. I need to explore the island, and spend some time alone.”

Jack nodded, clearly unconcerned. Sayid was his own man. He was conscientious about letting Jack know when he would be gone for longer than a few hours.

“Any particular part of the island?” Jack asked.

“Just heading North for now.”

“Okay, well don't get yourself hurt or in trouble, Sayid, if we aren't going to know where to look for you if you go missing.”

“I will be careful,” Sayid countered. “I am always careful.”

Jack nodded. “We always feel better with you nearby.”

“Thank you, Jack.” Sayid said warmly. “But I need a break from guard duty. Do not worry if I am gone for several days.”

“Done.” Jack said with a smile.


	5. You must love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DAY ONE

Sayid surveyed his tent for several moments, then realized he was looking at it through Jacob's eyes, discovering what Jacob had perhaps learned about him from the contents of his tent.

Spartan and drab, very clean, with a place for everything. He laughed. _Well, he already knows I am a soldier.._. Sayid smiled, noticing that he still used the present tense. Then he bent a little and looked for his “little bundle,” as he called it, just visible under the small table next to his bunk. 

He sat on the bunk and lifted the little packet from its tiny shelf, loosening the cloth covering, letting the fragile pieces fall onto the bed, then turning them over and arranging them carefully.

The pictures of Nadia were faded and deeply yellowed now with age. He knew the constant moisture here would eventually claim all of his little treasures. He enjoyed these little reminders of her the more while he still had them.

He rarely opened the note, but he let it fall open on the bed. It had once been folded twice, the blue ink now smeared and in some places faded away. “Come at eight, don't be late” the note said in Elsa's handwriting. Again, every time he looked at it, he questioned why he still kept this note, why he looked at it at all when a veil of darkness sometimes opened in him, revealing an irreconcilable place of both self-hatred and self-pity, anguish and regret... still hot, still raw, unprocessed. _I murdered her..._ he thought in spite of his self-control. _Like so many other people_...

"No..." he said, and the feelings stopped. He breathed deeply, carefully placing the note with Nadia's pictures.

Enough of this... he thought, though he still picked up the little silver colored hair clip, some of her long blonde hair still caught in it, carefully preserved just as he had found it in Shannon's little cup beside the bed, right after he lost her, how long ago? Her death had been hard, but remembering it was much easier than the realization that for a long time now he could not bring her scent to memory, and her face, her smile... were gone. Only his smile, the smile in his heart, remained.

 _I can love..._ he thought. _I love..._

He very carefully wrapped these things in the stained and torn muslin and chambray, placing the special packet back in its cubby hole. He wrapped and packed his personal items, keeping it all dry and arranged to remain silent in his pack, then rolled his extra clothes in his bed roll, strapping it to the stained and worn pack. He tied his full water bottles to the sides and stood up, placing the pack on the bed.

He had checked the reserve ammo in the bottom of the pack, and now checked the state of his weapon, dry and clean, safety on, he pulled back the slide, a round in the chamber, then popping out the full cartridge for inspection, he pushed it back with the always reassuring _click_. Satisfied, he replaced it at his back and stood, looking around at his quarters. He let the rolled walls of the tent down in front of the mesh windows, and the tent was strangely silent, dark and close. He remembered standing here with Jacob, was it really today?

For a second he questioned his decision. _I don't know this man,_ he thought. _That is why..._ he thought. I want to know him, and what he knows. I trust him. _The Island..._

Lifting the pack he stepped out, carefully tying his tent closed before he set out at last up the familiar trail, away from the beach. He had fully explored along the beaches above camp, beaches which wrapped around to the North, skirting two high ridges before the beach of the statue. This time Sayid decided to take a direct, mountainous route, exploring the trail he had noticed in that direction on several occasions. He felt sure it would lead to the beach Jacob had spoke of.

Sayid breathed deeply as the sounds of the camp receded. It had been too long. He enjoyed his role as protector of the camp, but needed time to relax his constant focus, to go somewhere. To sharpen his survival skills, to fight off the softness that might otherwise set in with inactivity and age.

Soon he took the left-hand cut to proceed north, which would keep the western sky above the hidden beaches that formed the long island shoreline to his left. A sweet breeze moved the humid air between the thick tangles of Mangrove trees, so that the morning felt especially cool and fresh.

Sayid relaxed into a steady pace, remembering a fighting song he once sang with his fellow soldiers. He hummed a little, and felt his spirits lifting. The golden light through the thick canopy danced on him and in the magical little grottos of early morning coolness he walked through between every tree.

He was still a long ways off from his destination, and would happily remain far from the part of the island reserved by The Others, so he indulged himself in letting his vigilance relax, humming again. There would be more vigilance later. That is as he desired.

When the afternoon came he was toiling over the long arm of the second ridge which opened far below onto the long, unbroken beach that would serve as his path for the remainder of his journey.

He stopped at the little stream, which cut his path down to the beach. The massive island mountains were shaped by constant water of rains pouring over and through the black, igneous rock formed from lava, pushed up by the underwater volcanoes that built the island. Paths over these mountains were almost always along a sharp ridge, or down a narrow stream bed. All else was sharply cutaway in steep drops of treacherous scree held in place by the steep mountain specialists, the myriad clinging plants that covered the almost vertical mountainsides.

Sayid was dripping sweat as he knelt at the little stream that marked the divide between mountain shoulders, cupping the water to wash away the sweat in his hair and face, his neck and down his arms. He noticed when the birds became quiet, and felt someone watching him. He steadied his nerves, remaining relaxed. When he turned to look up through his dripping hair, there was a man sitting on the other side of the stream, a little above him.

Sayid stood slowly, immediately noticing the man's empty hands, his bare feet, his torn clothes and spiky, dark hair. He was of medium build, the larger man. His physical beauty was tempered by a posture of quiet brooding. His body was tightly held, yet supremely relaxed in posture, a man confident of success, always prepared for immediate action. His demeanor was serious, yet he seemed to be enjoying every moment equally, doing only what he chose. _Doing what he loves best_ , Sayid thought.

_What did he love? What was he doing?_

_Hunting_ , his instincts told him. They also told him that drawing his weapon would not control the man, and would require giving up the element of surprise required to choose escape instead. Sayid had already noticed the best two avenues of escape when he stopped at the stream, and now selected flight as his best option if required. He willed himself to remain relaxed, ready for instant retreat.

“Do not leave just yet,” said the man. “Though I know you are going somewhere important.”

 _He will only pursue me if I run_ , thought Sayid.

Sayid did not speak. He certainly preferred to interact with the man rather than run away from him, and preferred listening over speaking to him.

“Please sit with me for a moment,” the man gestured to a nearby place to sit beside the water. Sayid hesitated, then sat, partially facing the man and partially facing his chosen avenue of escape. The man did not begin right away, watching Sayid, until he was ready to begin.

“My brother has chosen you, Sayid, and that is of concern to me. You are still not ready. I have tested your heart and found you wanting in one way.” The man looked out over the distant sea for some time, clearly enjoying the morning air and sun before he began again, turning to gaze at Sayid. “You are capable of very deep loyalty, Sayid, but you feel that love is a weakness. I have found the child's wound in you, Sayid. And I have measured the trail of blood you have discarded as a man. You have a darkness. The island will not accept you with that dark place inside of you."

 _Can he mean...?_ Sayid was deeply alarmed. For a moment, he saw most clearly how completely defended he was from that part of himself, the child that he was. He recognized immediately how fully he was rigid and lost to this struggle. _I am not that child,_ he said to himself, as he saw clearly how he had mapped the entire course of his life as a reaction to what happened to him, that child.

 _To me..._ Sayid permitted this thought, then watched as he pushed the thought and the feelings down, again. He now looked at the man with new eyes. _He found all of this in me, showed it to me._

The man was smiling, waiting again, as though he knew of his inner struggle.

“I have decided to give you a chance to choose a different life for yourself, Sayid. I do this because there are two forces here, and I am but one. Because Jacob has decided to offer this to you, I can also choose to offer. I have so chosen.”

"Listen, Sayid. Because you will find that this is very important. Jacob is offering acceptance to you, Sayid, if you find your way to him."

Sayid felt a surge of understanding. Jacob was to offer him something precious. He was going to Jacob to see if he might choose it. _Choose what?_

"There are two keepers of the island..." the man's voice trailed away, silent for a time. He looked again at Sayid, seeming to guage his attention, his eyes his own, with no communication of closeness or connection. His eyes focused, and he continued. "Jacob alone can find and preserve love and loyalty here, on behalf of the island. He requires honesty and will have tested you already in you ability to be honest about something you keep hidden." Sayid heard a tenderness in the man's voice as he spoke of his brother.

 _He is not human either_ , thought Sayid.  _And yet they are brothers._

“I... am the defender, the one who closes doors, forces loyalties. I defend this island," his voice was low and sharp. "I test, and I must reject that which is not acceptable.” Sayid could hear in his voice a little impatience beginning, as though he was tiring of conversation.

“Living on the island without being tested is the luxury of guests. But those who are chosen must be tested. It was that way before me, before I became this way,” he finished, his voice trailing off a little as he looked over the distant water, far below. His face seemed drawn as he seemed to struggle inside.

**"This is what I am, Sayid. My brother and I have borne these two forces in opposition for so long that our natures have become about this. But now, at last, the duality will be broken, and I will become free. I will break you Sayid. You will be broken. Understand, Sayid. If you choose Jacob, I will test you. If you choose, and if you pass the test, you will be accepted."**

**_Sayid Jarrah, I will accept you if my brother accepts you, if you find your way to him,"_ he pronounced. _"If you pass the test."_ He turned his head a little then, signaling the last of explanations.**

“I will say one thing more, then you may ask me a question.” The man smiled a private smile, then began as though he had as yet said nothing.

 _So strange_... thought Sayid.

**“You have met my brother before, though the details are of no consequence. He has grown fond of you. But he has waited, afraid you would be destroyed if he sought you out too soon.”**

“Sayid, beautiful, strong, loyal Sayid, Jacob has been watching you for a long time, taking you under his care. He is vigilant for your safety. You need fear nothing, Sayid, except my test. You are so finely made, so strong. You are self-reliant, and will love, if only to a point. Give yourself, Sayid. You must love.” 

 _He wants to say more_ , _about himself._ Sayid thought, feeling a profound loneliness in the man, who must endure it without release.

“I will let you choose my brother first,” the man added. His voice was soft, almost sad. "Your choice will be far more difficult with me."

Then the man arose and stood over him. Sayid uncoiled his body and stood in one controlled motion.

“Give yourself to my brother,” he said. "I have watched you, and I will watch you, and I will know... when my time has come. Now, you may ask me a question.”

Sayid's voice was quiet as he carefully ventured the question that seemed hardest to put into words. “What are you?”

**Sayid gasped, pushing back a little. He had felt a strange, inner touch somehow, pressing into him, piercing his inner world. It set in motion a huge ripple of distress that slowly filled him with a cold fear and pain which he struggled in vain to control. _I was the giver of pain_... _the taker of life, of souls_.**

Sayid realized his eyes were closed and opened them. The brother was gone.

 


	6. Magic of the Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES  
> DAY ONE, sleeps on "The Long Beach" just past the largest, long arm ridge  
> DAY TWO He finds the cave and is welcomed by Jacob

Sayid finally made his way through the last of the lowland jungle and out onto the painfully sunny beach, stopping again at the little stream before it met the sea, filling his water bottles, removing his shirt and soaking it in the sweet water, using it to again rinse the salt out of his eyes, rubbing it across his upper body as he moved to sit in the nearby shade, opening his bed and sitting with his back to a large tree that had somehow survived the salty spray near the water, spreading it's long hanging feelers and serpentine roots around him like a sheltering hug, coaxing him into drowsiness, which he indulged.

The sun was low in the sky when he woke up, listening with eyes still closed, immediately reassured by the sounds of the birds and the hard shape of his weapon ready at his back. Finally he sat up and ate without leaving his little camp.

Though he rarely performed _salat_ , he did so now, though he could only guess the direction to Mecca, and must put his forehead upon the sand. _I pray to remember_ , he thought, thinking of his life in Iraq and so many prayers. He remembered how, in the middle of Tikrit, the haunting _azans_ were so many and so close that he was overcome with the love of God and the need to worship.

After prayer he ate a little more and walked slowly on the beach as the sun sank into the sea, stretching his body, returning to his bed roll, preparing for relaxation and sleep.

 

Early morning brought the strongest breeze from off the ocean, pushing over the higher breaking waves with a little booming sound that Sayid chose not to sleep through. He relished an early start, and appreciated how quick and easy it was to eat some provisions and refill his water bottles, then roll up his bed and start along the beach, traveling light.

The Long Beach, as they called it, was almost unbroken except for an occasional narrowed beach around rocky mountain outcropping which could be followed with little trouble. Sayid enjoyed these changes in pace, as well as the slight struggle to make good progress walking on very wet sand. The exercise felt good, and he drank often of the fresh water plentiful here, where so many little streams reached the sea.

His long curls sailed inland over and over as he walked, and he enjoyed the cool feeling on his scalp and neck where it was usually sweaty and hot. Every so often he looked behind him where his tracks in the sand formed dark, kidney shaped pools surrounded by gleaming white. _I am going somewhere..._ he repeated, though he didn't really know yet what that meant.

The sun was well past its zenith when he came to the last of the beach, where a long, steep arm from the mountains plunged into the sea. He had debated whether to climb or swim, and was still unsure. Climbing in the heat of the day would not be too bad next to the ocean, where it was breezy. But it was a treacherous path of loose rock that could cause injury or death should he have a misstep, and not catch himself.

The sea meant getting his possessions wet, which concerned him most about the compass, his weapon and his food. The handgun would still function, but would need to be cleaned of the salt water as soon as possible. He could easily fashion a sort of hat for his food and the compass. That left the brine on his skin, which would be uncomfortable.

Sayid chose the sea. He would bathe and do a quick and dirty rinse of the gun and other gear at the next little stream on the other side. He would reach the beach Jacob instructed him to seek in time to dry his rinsed out clothes and bedclothes before sunset, though things never really dried completely in the island humidity.

He placed the compass and food in the four-square hat he fashioned from the large square of old fabric he carried, doubling it twice around the compass before tying it securely through his hair for insurance. He removed his clothes, wrapping his gun up and placed these and his makeshift sandals in the pack with the handgun at the top, then tightened the straps and looked around once more before walking into the sea, swimming out and around, keeping his distance from the rocks and the rough and swirling water crashing upon them.

He felt the heavy water pushing him, free and intimate on his naked skin, and relaxed into the sensual motions of swimming, pushing back against the constantly moving water.

When he emerged from the sea and walked up the beach he felt the special glow from swimming, from the delicious feeling of having been naked in the surging water, then emerging in the strong sun. The wind was quieter here, a lazy afternoon breeze on the protected little beach.

He walked to the next stream and set himself to the task of getting rid of the stinging, slick salt water. He carefully checked the compass, making sure it was completely dry. He gave the gun a quick rinse in the fresh water, wiping it clean, then rinsed his clothes and bedding. Using his cup for a makeshift shower, he poured the cool fragrant water thorough his hair and down his body over and over.

 _Oh_.... he thought. “Oh...” he said quietly. The sensuous glow seemed to undo his body, loosening the places where it was all tethered together, culminating in a profound release of the tensions of years of constant discipline and harsh living conditions, his entire body letting go into the surge of relaxation, moving heavy and insistent through him like the tug of the waves.

He felt drugged, no... released, somehow reborn... reconnected to the source, his source.

“Allahu Akbar...” he said aloud, his voice a familiar sound that he somehow heard anew. Closing his eyes, he worshiped God, silently, finding him always in his heart. _My God is great. He is my provider. I will thank Him again and again for his mercy and provision_.

It felt good, grounding in a perfect way, to sit back and eat a little, sitting naked on the peaceful beach, looking out at the clouds fluffy and perfectly aligned on the horizon, the sky a perfect blue with just the hint of white from the moisture in the air. He drank a little, then simply sat, contented. 

He closed his eyes and felt the cool breeze moving over his skin. His thoughts wandered, memories, questions, how his priorities now were so different from before his life here. He seemed at the perfect distance for making sense of the arc of his life, and for consolidating his understanding, his acceptance for what had gone before. He finally felt that he could move on from these things.

The time is come, he thought, breathing deeply, his emotions letting down as his body and muscles had, finding their place, settling back into him as what was good... nurturing. He felt nurtured by God, by life, by his mental and emotional state.

 _Jacob_.... he thought of him, imagining him waiting for him. He sincerely wanted to see the man again, to be taken into his confidence, to learn from and be taught by him. He felt an attraction to the man's calm, and his air of wisdom, of knowledge. Sayid craved knowledge, to somehow find his part in the shifting patterns of change unique to the Island, a mystery. He had waited so long, living with this lack and frustration.

Jacob had reawakened his desire for knowledge, suddenly real and within his reach. He was amazed at the intensity of his desire as it emerged from him full formed and ready, ready for such a long time, waiting. This was his task in life was, his purpose.

 _Jacob_.... he thought. He pictured the man over the next ridge and felt he was now especially ready to meet him again, still feeling a connection to the man who rekindled his old feelings of hope for a fulfilled life. 

And what of the brother? Jacob's brother had somehow taken his place as one of an almost magical duality. They both seemed to possess a magic, the magic of the Island. This is what he craved, contact with the source of the forces present in his life. Somehow he felt it, that the Island had called to him, and he had answered.

 _Now_... he said inside. _This_... he felt sure of his choices.

Sayid dressed with casual efficiency. Soon he was rounding the turn in the beach and climbing over the little hill which became the sentinel's platform above the waves and the sheltered little crescent beach beyond. Again he marveled at the stone figure, the size, the mystery of how and what it was made, and what force had scattered it around the base of the outcropping, where the pieces were alternately buried and then unburied by the constant motion of the sand and water.

When he reached this beach, the beach they called Sentinel Beach, the late afternoon was a honey glow on all that surrounded him. He stopped and again polished the little compass with his kerchief, holding it steady and watching the spinning pointer rocking back and forth, around and again, back and forth, finally beginning to settle and coming to a rest.

To his surprise, the compass pointed almost due south, to the foot of the huge statue behind him. He turned and walked toward it, watching the compass, which pointed at the base of the statue. Sayid thought he had explored completely around the huge statue long ago. He did not remember a path, or anything resembling a camp or structure on the slender ocean side below the large stony base.

When he reached the water's edge of the vertical base, he saw a series of white stones that led him along the narrow shelf around the base, surprising him with a jagged outcropping which seemed like a rough extension of the artificial wall, formed by stone. The little rocks were ascending with this path rising, guiding him around and behind the statue, then climbing back and forth on a steep rocky slope, higher and farther from the sea below. Looking close he could see the little worn spots surrounded by dislodged pebbles and sand which marked the little pathway used by the one who had left the stones.

He climbed easily, somehow rising, suddenly so deeply exhilarated, feeling that his moment had arrived, _my moment is come... I am alive for this... Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!_ He wanted to sing, to call the beginning of the divine _azan_ , calling all the world to _salat_ , to prayer, the duty of worship, better than sleep... better than sleep... the source of all success.

The stones stopped at a hidden entrance to a little cave which appeared above the path, and which he now entered, bending slightly. He stood up, peering into a much larger space than he anticipated, with little holes like natural windows along the wall to his left, and a darker area beyond. Everywhere were the possessions and evidence of living, of habitation. He could smell fish, spices, the smoke of a fire, the smell of straw and herbs. Sayid set his pack down, listening.

“Jacob...? He asked, his voice louder and closer in the quiet little cavern, his Iraqi accent thick in his happiness, his sudden exhilaration.

“I am here...” a familiar voice behind him was soft, breathy... Sayid turned to find Jacob slipping through the entrance, then holding Sayid's gaze as he straightened and stepped down into the muffled intimacy of the little cave.

 **“I watched you coming,"** Jacob said, clearly excited, his breathing strong from a downward climb. "You are most welcome, Sayid.” He clasped Sayid to him and hugged him warmly, receiving Sayid's embrace, rubbing his back gently, and whispering again at his ear. “You are most welcome, dear Sayid...”


	7. I will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit m-m sex
> 
> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> DAY TWO

The two men stepped back from an embrace and warm greeting. Sayid felt a magic between them, and happiness. And then Jacob took one of Sayid's hands, something no man had done with him since he was a child. _Since_.... Sayid slipped past the bad memory and found Jacob's eyes again. _His smiling eyes_ , Sayid thought, watching those so blue eyes now close, looking at Jacob's lips as he brought them to his own, placing them on his so slightly, so softly, a promise and a question...

Jacob still held Sayid's hand as he moved back just a little, communicating with him, eye to eye.

And Sayid felt his own answer there, in his eyes a longing for this man who seemed so very young and so very old at the same time. Sayid felt no doubt or hesitation. He said “yes” with his heart, with his body and his eyes, fire in him, fire in them. _I am yours, I will be yours._

“Will you love me, Sayid?” Jacob whispered, again bringing his lips to his, pressing into their ample softness, parting as their tongues touched and a connection of rippling fire claimed Sayid from within, his tongue and his body arching as the subtle beginning of the final contortions of loving, of spines arching and pleasure building with each moment of fire, and finding the source of that fire, the promise of ultimate union and pleasure.

They made the subtle sounds of love as they slowly and deeply kissed, finding every part of each other's mouths, tasting, wanting another, seeking entry. Their deepening breaths were amplified by the cave, and cascaded for a long moment surging with the muffled sounds of distant waves falling onto the shore below, desire drenching desire, their desire rushing through and past them, capped by these sighs and moans of desire as they pressed into each other, body moving against body, arms clasped around as they gasped and pushed harder, then rubbing one against the other, the pleasure a physical fullness and then imminent release, and the special joy of men, of boys sharing their bodies and each other's pleasure.

Jacob suddenly stepped back and grasped Sayid's penis through his loose pants, holding it tightly, unmoving, eye to eye, both of them suddenly very still as Jacob stopped his own ascent. He took his hand away so very slowly, so that Sayid ached for its return before it was gone from him. Sayid waited. He stood waiting as he felt himself conquered, somehow vanquished by love, by this man who had sought him out, and now found his heart.

Jacob removed his own shirt, then helped Sayid pull his tee over his head, his heavy curls falling, more and more of the black curls dancing around his face as they fell, a sensuous curtain of blackest black framing his golden brown face and deepest brown eyes, glistening, his wet lips parted.

 _I am here..._ Sayid said with his eyes. _I am here..._ said his eyes, and Jacob answered.

“Sayid...” Jacob said, still holding Sayid's hand as he kissed him lightly, then slowly turned him, eye to eye until Jacob turned him away, leading him to the back of the cave where a little bed awaited them, folding Sayid down onto his back on the bed, clasping both of Sayid's hands above his shoulders as he lowered himself onto the tautly drawn man, exotically beautiful and deep golden brown beneath him, his body offered to him in the calm darkness.

Again they pressed against each other, the private world of two, knowing each other skin to skin and through their remaining clothes, through their muscles and breath. Jacob's weight upon Sayid so good, perfect. _This is who I am_ , Sayid thought, understanding the changes, feeling the wonder as he relished this release from always questioning, always assessing danger. He felt himself healing in some way, newly free, his true essence released and nurtured, now able to be known by another, and so by himself.

Jacob stopped moving, still clasping Sayid's hands above his new lover's shoulders. Their excited breathing seemed to echo slightly like many whispers, urging them to start again, to find each other again. Jacob was covering him without moving, his face in Sayid's hair, breathing in the rich scent there of coconut and citrus. He turned his head, finding Sayid's armpit, and breathed his scent in, a musky and salty concoction that he felt must surely include the chemical signal of sexual desire... and of love.

Finally Jacob unclasped Sayid's hands, and stood to untie and step out of his pants. Sayid watched him, then sighed with excitement to see his lover revealed, then again as Jacob knelt to lay on him between his legs.

“I want you...” Jacob whispered to Sayid, kissing Sayid's face and shoulders, tracing his tongue across Sayid's moist and so sensitive skin, offered for and worshiped by a lover who kissed and licked his chest, wiggling his tongue in the ample hair there, exploring, wetting Sayid's nipples, then breathing on them, kissing them.

“Take me... take me......” Sayid heard himself answer, his voice pushing through the pleasure.

And then Jacob had slipped down just a little, was pulling so slightly against Sayid with his hips, then harder, and harder still, a passionate little release into the motions of fucking. Pressing his hips again and again upon the soft fabric of Sayid's pants, though he denied any contact with the place of Sayid's hardness, giving only the little movement, the slight lifting of Sayid's genitals each time Jacob bumped against his pelvis with his own, so that Jacob began to quiver from need and heat, bringing moan and complaint from the ecstatic Sayid, who reached for Jacob, stroking his smooth belly and his chest, trying to reach Jacob's arms, to pull him down to him, into him... _will he seek me in that way...?_

“Come down to me.... come to me,” Sayid asked, but Jacob would not bend, would not let Sayid grasp his arms or sides though he tried again, then again, a denial that Sayid suddenly found maddening in his state of desire.

 _The entire world is gone away... gone... there is only this... I will not wait, of this I am certain._  Sayid could hear his thoughts at last made silent as his mind emptied of years of being someone else... someone who did not trust his own desires.

He was left there, waiting. He heard in his breath the barely audible cries of frustration that seemed to finally bring Jacob to him, leaning into him, then grasping Sayid and turning him over, pulling his pants off, covering Sayid with his body, his hands in Sayid's hair as he tugged it slightly, claiming him. And Sayid was floating, no longer scourged by denial, only his undoing, loosened by this certainty that his desire was to be answered, there was no more to do in this life or the next but to be this, to burn and to move as though he was made of only pleasure, and becoming more, feel it carrying him into himself.

Jacob knelt over Sayid, and Sayid heard the sound of a tin opened, releasing a fragrance of coconut oil. Jacob with one arm clasped under Sayid's belly as he moistened himself, then deftly entered him, so slowly, pushing, stop... pushing... deeper, then he did not pull but stayed there as he crossed both arms under and around Sayid's lower abdomen, slipping deeper, then clasping so hard, pulling Sayid onto him so hard that Sayid felt he might cry out.

"Now..." Jacob whispered. "Yes," answered Sayid. _He holds all of me somehow_... Sayid thought, these very few words slipping into his mind.

Jacob began to fuck Sayid with those same little jerking movements deep inside, squirming as though to get deeper. When he changed to the larger movements of love, they moved together in a shared rhythm that matched the certainty of Sayid's release, with no need to slow or hold back, no need to increase or hurry their efforts as the synergy of joining carried them on.

Jacob had found and grasped Sayid firmly, adding to Sayid's pleasure as they forgot time, forgot place, and knew only the heat and passion of a newborn love. Sayid's mind was perfectly still then as he felt himself building to the promise of heat cresting in him at last, beginning its inevitable cascade into release, so slowly.... so slowly, then......! he went over with the waves of pleasure, arching into the last moments before the release and pleasure became everything at last and he was arching with his head back, his heightened senses strangely deluged with the scents and hollow silence of the cave.

Jacob was enthralled as Sayid remained silent though the pulling and falling spasms of pleasure, then Jacob's grasp on him much lighter and steady, waiting until the man's sighs finally broke through his passion, and Jacob answered with his own long sigh, so quietly voicing the jerking cadence of strident breathing, poetic sighs, groans made of motion, moving so slightly in Sayid as he took his release, falling from passion at last.

They came to rest, so completely spent, their bodies undone, curled together face down on the bed. They listened to their breathing, tasting each other on their tongues, feeling their golden warmth mingled with their sweat and the sticky liquids of sex, the golden light of the setting sun painted like their passion on the walls of the cave. And they felt everything so still as their minds and their bodies were profoundly at peace, at rest, knowing nothing about the world except _now_ , and nothing more except that it all would be born from this exacting newness.

“Be mine, Sayid,” Jacob finally said.

“I will,” Sayid answered quietly.

It was done.


	8. Not yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> The end of DAY TWO
> 
> waning moon sinking into the sea
> 
> how do you know me Jacob?

Tiny kisses. Sayid barely moved, completely relaxed. Jacob moved just a little to kiss Sayid's shoulder, his face, his ear, his hair, the back of his neck. He lifted Sayid's curls and blew softly there, knowing that this would feel so delicious.

The night was very quiet, the tide going out, only a distant sound of gentle water lapping at the shore, then the sound of a night heron barking as it flew along the dark water. He pictured the water, very dark as the waning moon was sinking into the sea, something Sayid was very familiar with, that he had watched over and over, so that he could see it now, in his mind's eye.

Sayid gently pushed up, his arm still under Jacob's neck, pulling Jacob against himself with firm little tugs.

“How do you know me, Jacob...?” he began, his voice breaking with the quiet hoarseness of recent pleasure. He waited. “We seem to have already begun... the beginning of each other...” Sayid's voice had become soft as he touched Jacob's face with wonder. _We are already so close_...

Jacob still did not answer, his eyes focused on the ceiling, then back to Sayid.

“I will tell you, Sayid," he seemed to be far away for a moment, remembering.

"Not yet...” he finally said, and they were quiet again, curling together at last in the moist breath sounds of sleep.


	9. The Flaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> BEGINNING OF DAY THREE
> 
> chord and sack around Jacob's neck (never noticed before)
> 
> sea is calm, magnifying his efforts, washed up seaweed, uncovered tide pools very low water

Sayid slipped out of the moist knot of new lovers recently joined and ducked outside. The sun was still a promise behind the mountains in the eastern sky, and he savored the cool air as he walked down the steep path. How fine it was to stand and urinate in the sea, always a satisfying experience in the morning, when the stream plunged into the surf with a loud, substantial plunking sound. The new day was mild and the breeze from off the sea was as gentle as the sea was calm, magnifying his efforts.

Jacob slipped up next to him and added his contribution. He tied the top of his pants and put his hand on Sayid's shoulder, turning to him. “Good morning, Sayid,” he said warmly.

“Good morning, Jacob,” Sayid slid his hand around Jacob's waist, pulling him to him, and they shared a tender kiss, finishing and starting again, then again.

**Sayid noticed a fine cord with a small leather bag around Jacob's neck, and wondered how he had missed it in their lovemaking.**

Jacob was holding a little net bag full of several mangoes atop leaf wrappers of dried fish, and an old glass bottle filled with water, also in its own little net bag. He took a mango, offering it to Sayid. As he turned, Sayid noticed a roughly woven blanket rolled and tied to the strap, and smiled, picturing a morning picnic. They walked along the wall of the sentinel and onto the beach, Jacob leading the way up and away from the water where some flotsam on the dry sand had been formed into two seats, one beside the other, facing the sea. They were higher on the beach, and Sayid had not noticed them when he arrived, obviously placed with a clear view of the expanse of water to the horizon.

They settled in beside each other and began their breakfast, leaning over occasionally to take bites of Mango that dripped into the sand. Sayid enjoyed the breeze pushing at his curls while he ate. He wondered about the second seat, and pictured the other brother sitting there beside him.

“My brother visits me,” Jacob offered.

“Your brother has visited me as well,” Sayid offered, still looking out to sea. _We begin again_ , Sayid thought.

Jacob did not answer, and Sayid said nothing. 

 _Content to be content_ , Sayid thought as the sky grew lighter, a grand event. The familiar ocean smells of washed up seaweed and uncovered tide pools accompanied the very low water. Far out to sea, the cottony clouds seemed to float on an unseen surface, as they often did, their flat undersides finding the division between layers of air. He watched as they gradually caught the pink glow of the rising sun, which must climb above the mountains behind them to shine upon this side of the island.

Sayid had greatly enjoyed his half of the dried fish, drinking with pleasure from the fresh water. He was drifting in his mood, feeling the food in his belly, his mind settling. 

Jacob had finished eating, rinsing his hands with a little of the water. He reached tentatively towards Sayid's hand, smiling with a gentle shyness as Sayid squeezed his hand back. They looked across the sea and the sky, sitting for a time, as men often do, without talking or looking at each other, an exquisite form of total intimacy that is almost always unnoticed or misunderstood by women.

Jacob sat up a little, looking down at his hands, appearing thoughtful as he traced and rubbed them together. _I will accept his questions..._

"My brother appeared as a man, strange to you?”

“Yes,” Sayid answered. He described the man briefly, and Jacob seemed surprised.

“He is being honest with you,” Jacob said. “He need not be so with you.”

“What is this test?” Sayid asked.

“Not one test, this or that... He will test you until he is satisfied.”

“Satisfied, how...?”

“Until the island is satisfied.”

 _The island, the island_... Sayid thought. _If not for my feelings for Jacob, I might laugh at this Island, and walk away from this strange challenge. No one has ever managed to enslave me. I am so careful of that. Because then I would be at their mercy, and they could do to me what I have done, without mercy._

“What did my brother say to you?” Jacob asked. Sayid described the short conversation, and the warning about his inability to truly love, that he experienced it as weakness.

“He has found your flaw, Sayid. Your test is about love. The island will not accept you without a true choice to love.”

Sayid was confused by this, and said nothing.

Jacob's voice became soft and tender. “The test is about love... because I love you, Sayid,” he confessed, finding Sayid's eyes with his own, _with the smile that is always there_ , Sayid thought... _with the little sadness, always there_... 

“I have known you a lot longer than you have known me,” Jacob added, his voice somehow nearer, as for Sayid's ear alone. Sayid looked closely at Jacob, sensing that other being there, wondering again what he was.

“There is more to know about me,” Jacob answered this look, “but all of who I am is here, I do not hide, nor do I withdraw. Because I choose to be this way with you, my brother has chosen to be this way with you also.”

“Others have been with you, but not in this way? Not as lovers?” Sayid asked.

"I have chosen others, some for love and some for other reasons," he answered.

“Where are they now?” Sayid hungered for understanding.

“Some were found wanting. They did not pass the test. Others chose their world over mine, their lives over me. But I have chosen you very carefully, Sayid.” 

 _How I love his smile, I am learning to love his smile_ , Sayid thought. The hunger to understand drove Sayid to more words, to somehow understand this man.

“How old are you, Jacob?”

“Ah, therein lies the difference, Sayid, what you sense in me. Because I serve the island, I am old. Very very old.”

Sayid watched Jacob's eyes and face change as he spoke. _He is scrupulously honest_.

“I have chosen you Sayid,” he said finally, “with my heart.”

 _No one has ever offered me this much_ , Sayid thought.

 

The two men were quiet then, Jacob smiling inside as Sayid looked out to sea. He could feel Sayid turning things around in his head.

“I have loved a man before,” Sayid said finally without shame. “It is the same as with a woman, and completely different... but I feel no concern about this difference. We have known one another physically and spiritually...” he stopped for a moment, began again. “I do wish to give you my heart... I do love you.” Sayid felt his heart melting as he said these words, and felt a radiating joy as Jacob's face showed his happiness at these words.

“Dear Sayid,” Jacob said, reaching to him and brushing his curls back from his face, so that Sayid looked down, almost shy from Jacob's loving touches.

“Do you know what will happen if you choose to be mine?” Jacob said gently.

“No,” Sayid confessed.

You have already chosen my world. But we are stopped here, at the beginning. Dear Sayid. You were changed by evil, Sayid."

 Sayid felt a small, sharp intake of breath reach as far as his belly.

"A fire will arise in you, Sayid, burning what is impure in you, the barrier around your heart. The circumstances of your life here will become the fuel for this purifying fire. This is your test. If you choose to accept this change, my brother will know. Just as he will know if you hesitate, if you try to go back to who you were before, what made you feel strong. That will be his moment, and he will take you away from me... he will take you away from here.”

 _That is the sadness_ , Sayid thought. _He has lost someone before me._ The commitment to something so far-reaching and strange was sobering, and Sayid wondered why it must be so. _The island. Always this, there is no backing away, no where else to go, but here... That is why this place is an island._

"If I cannot show that I am yours, will you or your brother find me wanting in this way?”

Sayid found Jacob's eyes intently locked on his own.

"You must be remade by evil. You must pay the price. The walls and foundations of the evil in you will fall to your foundations. You must begin again. You have survived, Sayid. But you must choose something besides evil to survive evil."

"How will you know... that I have done this?"

“My brother will know. He is the judge. It is in him...” Jacob's voice slipped into one deep breath, almost a sigh. " _He will test you_."

“Then what is in you, Jacob? Why have you chosen me?”

“What is in me?” Jacob continued. “It is my nature to choose for the island. I have chosen this beginning so carefully, Sayid. I have chosen you and how to begin with you. Soon we will truly begin. But the island will only accept you if you also choose me.”

Sayid was confounded by this. Surely he had already chosen Jacob, though they had found each other so recently.

“There is more to you, Sayid, more to who you are to me. You are special to me. I have known for a long time that you are mine, because... when the Island showed you to me, I found you here, in my heart,” Jacob rested his hand lightly on his chest, looking at Sayid with a very slight shyness.

 _The man in the creature_... thought Sayid. When Jacob continued, his voice had changed again. Sayid noticed right away, and focused on this as well as his words.

“I have faith in you, Sayid. I have waited for you, waited until you finished all that you once were before you could come to the island. And because I have chosen you with my heart, your choice is... that you must also choose me with yours.”

 _I think I know him now. He is old_... Sayid thought. _This voice is the old one, the one who is always alone._ Sayid noticed his own loneliness, something he endured as a necessity. _He loves me..._ he thought. _He has chosen me. What does that mean?_ Sayid had felt how freely his feelings spilled into their moments together, a luxury he did without out of havit.  He looked down, feeling Jacob's gaze and breath so near, then closed his eyes.

_My life can be remade. I know this, and choose it. I do not know all of what is in my heart, but it is so perfect to seek that now, to make all of my heart one, and to give it freely._

Sayid's face was still near as Jacob also closed his eyes, enjoying the breeze playful upon his face and arms, stirring in his spiky hair. He opened his eyes, immediately lost in the glistening deep brown of Sayid's unflinching gaze.

There was a long moment where it seemed that all preparations were in place for beginning something they could only do together. Sayid was enchanted by this feeling. _Had I let myself become so empty?_

A sudden rush of breeze sent a whispering flock of loose leaves up the beach, the last few leaves dancing with crisp, ticking sounds as they leapt over the others. Tiny sand pipers bobbed and darted amongst the sparkling surf as it tumbled in, then _sissed_ back out, the air slipping back into the moist sand with a sudden hush.

Still they were silent, and Jacob touched Sayid's hand. Sayid was surprised by his own intake of breath.

"You have chosen me, my love." Jacob's voice was soft with closeness. "You will choose again."

"My heart aches..." 

"As mine has ached for you," Jacob covered Sayid's hand with his own.

Sayid felt his being reordered in an invisible dance of parts. He joined Jacob in looking around at a world reordered upon itself. Neither man spoke for some time.

“These are our moments...” Jacob said quietly, “before the Island begins...” he trailed off. He smiled and then let his head fall back a little, breathing in the salty air. “The morning is fresh and my love is near,” Jacob said with satisfaction.

Jacob squeezed Sayid's hand with affection, smiling as he sat back again, as Sayid settled back, the two men savoring a delicious feeling of quiet closeness, letting the memory of the sweet tones of their conversation mingle with the sounds of the sea.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. The god is mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit m-m sex  
> Morning of day 3
> 
> "just behind the reach of the low tide"

Sayid stood and stretched, and Jacob admired him in the gentle light of morning, his skin a caramel brown that made everything else about Sayid twice as beautiful, from his cascade of black curls to his funny makeshift sandals.

Sayid's face was classically beautiful, with a graceful aquiline nose, and deep set, dark brown, always sensual eyes. Heavy lidded eyes, so that Sayid seemed always to be dropping his eyelids just a little... as though he was accepting pleasure in every moment.

When his brown eyes caught the light, Jacob was enthralled, speechless.

All of this was enough to make Sayid's face very pleasing to him. But Jacob was overcome by his dramatic brow, and the lines of his long, square face and sharp, prominent jaw line, strongly accentuated by his rough-trimmed beard. His lips were full, with the bottom lip a little fuller than the top. Soft lips...

Sayid's crowning glory was literal in the form of a mass of black curls, ringlets that coiled around each other in a huge tangle which was always moving, bouncing, sailing about, a dynamic symbol of Sayid's masculinity and strength.

Sayid finished stretching, and brushing the sand from his lower body. Jacob was all but overcome by the graceful beauty that took form as Sayid's tight, slim hipped body, large chest, and muscular arms and shoulders.

 _The god is mine_... thought Jacob. He had watched Sayid for many years, but still found his beauty as arresting as when he first saw him, a stranger placed in his path by the Island, then desired by him long ago. He remembered... he had stopped searching then. And he had waited, so long... _So long to worship you_...he thought. So long since the others that had failed the test and left the Island, who were long since passed on, with only his memories of them left.

Jacob stretched, then got up slowly, balancing as he sank into the cool sand. He reached for Sayid, then tousled Sayid's hair as he leapt past him towards the water, kicking up sprays of sand behind him with each quick step. Within moments Sayid had raced past him, and they ran up the beach, away from the sentinel, pushing to win a sudden foot race, happy to run, to exult in motion and play.

Sayid won by a sizable distance, and stood smiling as Jacob caught his breath, hands on his knees. They kicked water at each other, then Jacob raised the stakes, running at Sayid, wrestling him while standing in shallow water to see who would be vanquished and go into the surf.

Sayid made it clear he could dunk Jacob at will. But he did not throw Jacob into the water, but instead grasped Jacob's back against him, communicating his fullness and arousal to him, so that Jacob stopped at last and relaxed against Sayid with a sigh of pleasure, stepping and restepping to somehow keep his balance when suddenly undone again by arousal.

 _I will let him be dominant in some things,_  Jacob thought, then: _he already he finds a tender play in himself for me._

Sayid suppressed the urge to glance around out of habit, from his constant concern for safety. _We are alone_... he told himself, giving himself to the moment. _I will show him this... who I am when I am in charge._ Sayid felt sure Jacob would enjoy this form of intimacy.

Sayid clasped his hands together under Jacob's arms and lifted him, his back against Sayid, measuring his weight, claiming him, Jacob's bare feet relaxed and dangling just above the sand wet with foam. Jacob let go into Sayid, completely relaxed, clearly finding it pleasurable to be held so. Sayid lowered him slowly back onto the wet sand, then bent over him slightly, pushing his fullness against him again, grasping his body to him, satisfied by the long inhale and breathy moan, deep and full as the relaxed state of Jacob's body.

Sayid caressed Jacob's back and shoulders, feeling under his belly, just touching the top of his tight erection as he pulled him against his pelvis.

Finally he slid his other hand under Jacob's pelvis, grasping him firmly, pulling slightly, enjoying the feel in his hand, voicing his satisfaction with a breathy “hmmmmm.” _This is preferable to saving people from themselves_ , he thought as he captured Jacob by his hair, so slowly pushing him to his knees.  Jacob answered by letting himself be placed on his knees in the wet sand, his neck loose as his head fell forward, Sayid's hand still firm upon Jacob's head as he walked around him, standing in front of him. Sayid felt the thrill of a different kind of intimacy as he bent over Jacob like a man to a child, chiding him with his hand still on his hair, forehead to forehead. 

Sayid stood again, and Jacob sat back a little, his eyes half closed as he loved Sayid standing over him. “I think that you are the sentinel,” he laughed.

“I am the conqueror,” Sayid taunted, his soldier voice very serious, and with a thick accent.

Jacob grasped both of Sayid's heels and brought his lips to Sayid's golden brown feet, kissing and licking the salt from them, then lingering with his lips on the tops of Sayid's feet. He worshiped each of Sayid's feet, kissing them with obvious emotion, putting his forehead on them, loving Sayid in this way, letting himself be conquered.

 _So long... to worship you...._ Jacob thought.

Sayid was still, he had slipped into a different state, a place inside where he was completely focused and given to the moment, thrilled equally by the act as by Jacob's response. _These are things that all lovers do_ , he thought, feeling that this outward, erotic dance of power was as essential to loving as the inner act of surrender.

Jacob sat up, pressing his face againt Sayid's thigh to wipe the water from his face, clearly in a different emotional state, _a place inside_ , Sayid thought.

Suddenly there was a great deal of need between them. “I want you...” Sayid whispered at Jacob's ear, pulling him to his feet.

Jacob smiled, then turned and walked up the thick sand towards the jungle, following it to the far end of the beach. His walk was lilting, a sort of dance, the slight samba of arousal communicated unconsciously in his hips as he walked with purpose, seeking a little path which led into the jungle. Soon they came to a flat spot which was made into a bed, soft with the little creepers gathered high under a sort of mattress made of freshly matted leaves. 

Sayid could smell nearby the low fragrant bushes with white flowers whose scent reminded him of jasmine. When he looked up, the gentle morning sky was open in every direction.

“I sleep here sometimes,” Jacob said, brushing off the little bed with a makeshift broom. “I can enjoy the stars.” He unrolled the blanket he had brought and spread it over the bed.

 _Like lovers_.... Sayid thought as they came down to each other on the sweet smelling bed. _We are lovers_ , he said to himself, repeating it a few times as he cupped Jacob's head to him, finding his eyes, caressing his hair, smelling him, nuzzling him with his nose and lips.

Oh how he loved their kisses, slow and deep with longing.

Jacob rolled onto him, and Sayid was thrilled by his weight, his slight motions of pleasure. Sayid breathed a low sigh of heightened pleasure.

Then Jacob sat up between his legs, opening Sayid's pants, sitting back on his heels as he pulled them off, sliding his hands under Sayid's legs. He leaned down and immediately breathed hot and moist on Sayid as he gently pressed the place high up under his testicles with his fingers. He slowly slowly brought his tongue so softly onto a special place, pressing wet and warm on the sensitive spot right under the glans, enjoying the sharp changes in Sayid's breathing. He kept his tongue's increasing pressure on this spot as he moved it up and down slightly, then slowly licking the length of Sayid's penis, licking around the sides as he moved up and down, not touching the glans, teasing him.

He pressed into the spot again with his fingers, and when he took the glans in his mouth, Sayid rocked into him, expelling breath sharply as he grasped Jacob's head, trying insistently to pull him down onto him. Jacob resisted, but Sayid prevailed with a groan of rich gratification as Jacob kept his mouth tight around him, pushing down as far as he could, then rocking up and back again, making the motions he knew Sayid needed.

Sucking and tightening his lips, he expertly pleasured in a way Sayid had never quite experienced. He let Sayid determine the pace, and soon Sayid was past the point of no return so that he cried out with pleasure, then the jungle suddenly quiet as Sayid's mind was also quiet, laying with Jacob curling upon his waist, Jacob feeling his muscles still rippling, his breath still deep and insistent from the overwhelming pleasure.

They lay together for some time. The sounds of the jungle had returned, and their breathing was relaxed, sharing occasional sighs of contentment as they dozed with the first rays of the warm sun peeking through the trees, listening to the sounds of the sweet breeze and the distant waves.

Jacob came up to Sayid, laying next to him, and Sayid put his arm under and around Jacob, stroking his hair, taking his hand to kiss it, then clasping it against himself.

“Will you be mine, Jacob?” Sayid asked quietly, his voice sleepy.

“I will,” Jacob answered.

“Good.” Sayid pronounced in a contented voice, adding, “You are good.”

“Yes I am,” Jacob answered very softly.

"Mmmmmm..." Sayid said as they drifted towards sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sayid could feel the slight change in Jacob, that he was preparing to speak.

“These are our moments...” Jacob said quietly, “before the island begins...” he trailed off.

Sayid felt a surge of feeling, of needing who they were _now_.

“Let us be lovers, then,” Sayid said. He heard the slight change in Jacob's breathing, and everything around them seemed to slip into a contained memory, replaced by _this_ , by _now_. There was only Jacob, his funny smile, and the language of love, his breath.

 _His arousal arouses me_. Sayid loved this familiarity with another, something he felt so long ago that it seemed entirely new.

He stood and stretched, and Jacob admired him in the gentle light of morning, his skin a caramel brown that made everything else about Sayid twice as beautiful, from his cascade of black curls to his funny makeshift sandals.

Sayid's face was classically beautiful, with deep set, dark brown, always sensual eyes, heavy lidded eyes, so that Sayid seemed always to be dropping his eyelids just a little... it was as though he was accepting pleasure in every moment.

When his brown eyes caught the light, Jacob was enthralled, speechless.

All of this was enough to make Sayid's face very pleasing to him. But Jacob was overcome by his aquiline nose, the lines of his long, square face and sharp, prominent jaw line, strongly accentuated by his rough-trimmed beard. His lips were full, with the bottom lip a little fuller than the top. Soft lips...

Sayid's crowning glory was literal in the form of a mass of black curls, ringlets that coiled around each other in a huge tangle which was always moving, bouncing, sailing about, a dynamic symbol of Sayid's masculinity and strength.

Sayid finished stretching, and Jacob was all but overcome by the graceful beauty that took form as Sayid's tight, slim hipped body, large chest, and muscular arms and shoulders.

 _The god is mine_... thought Jacob. He had watched Sayid for many years, but **still found his beauty as arresting as when he first saw him, a stranger in his path, and desired him long ago.** He had stopped searching then. And he had waited, so long... _So long to worship you_...he thought.

Jacob stretched, then got up slowly, balancing as he sank into the cool sand. He reached for Sayid, then tousled Sayid's hair as he leapt past him towards the water, kicking up sprays of sand behind him with each quick step. Within moments Sayid had raced past him, and they ran up the beach, away from the sentinel, pushing to win a sudden foot race, happy to run, to exult in motion and play.

Sayid won by a sizable distance, and stood smiling as Jacob caught his breath, hands on his knees. They kicked water at each other, then Jacob raised the stakes, running at Sayid, wrestling him while standing in shallow water to see who would be vanquished and go into the surf.

Sayid made it clear he could dunk Jacob at will. But he did not throw Jacob into the water, but instead grasped Jacob's back against him, communicating his fullness and arousal to him, so that Jacob stopped at last and relaxed against Sayid with a sigh of pleasure, stepping and restepping to somehow keep his balance when suddenly undone again by arousal.

Sayid suppressed the urge to glance around out of habit, from his constant concern for safety. _We are alone_... he told himself, giving himself to the moment.

Sayid clasped his hands together under Jacob's arms and lifted him, measuring his weight, claiming him, Jacob's bare feet relaxed and dangling just above the sand wet with foam. Jacob let go into Sayid, completely relaxed, clearly finding it pleasurable to be held so. Sayid lowered him slowly back onto the wet sand, then bent over him slightly, pushing his fullness against him again, grasping his body to him, satisfied by the long inhale and breathy moan, deep and full as the relaxed state of Jacob's body.

Sayid bent him further, his left hand on Jacob's neck, then sliding his right hand under Jacob's shirt to caress his back and shoulders, feeling under his belly, just touching the top of his tight erection as he pulled him against his pelvis.

Finally he slid his hand under Jacob's pants, grasping him firmly, pulling slightly, enjoying the feel in his hand, voicing his satisfaction with a breathy “hmmmmm.” _This is A LOT more fun than saving people from themselves_ , he thought as he grasped Jacob by his hair, pushing against him. He pulled Jacob up and turned him around, his head turned down to the side, then kissing him hard, his hand still under Jacob's shirt, holding his back. He bent over as he kissed him, so slowly pushing Jacob down. Jacob answered by letting himself be let down onto his knees onto the wet sand just beyond the reach of the low tide.

Jacob sat back on his heels, his eyes half closed as he felt Sayid standing over him. “I think that you are the sentinel,” he laughed.

“I am the conqueror,” Sayid taunted, his soldier voice very serious, and with a thick accent.

Jacob grasped both of Sayid's heels and brought his lips to Sayid's golden brown feet, kissing and licking the salt from them, then lingering with his lips on the tops of Sayid's feet. He worshiped each of Sayid's feet, kissing them with obvious emotion, putting his forehead on them, loving Sayid in this way, letting himself be conquered.

 _So long... to worship you...._ Jacob thought.

Sayid became still, slipping into a different state, a place inside, where he was completely focused and given to the moment, thrilled equally by the act as by his response. _These are things that all lovers do_ , he thought, feeling that this outward, erotic dance of power was as essential to loving as the inner act of surrender.

Jacob sat up, pressing his face againt Sayid's thigh to wipe the water from his face, clearly in a different emotional state, _a place inside_ , Sayid thought.

Suddenly there was a great deal of need between them. “I want you...” Sayid whispered at Jacob's ear, pulling him to his feet.

Jacob smiled, then turned and walked up the thick sand towards the jungle, following it to the far end of the beach. His walk was lilting, a sort of dance, the slight samba of arousal communicated unconsciously in his hips as he walked with purpose, seeking a little path which led into the jungle. Soon they came to a flat spot which was made into a bed, soft with the little creepers gathered high under a sort of mattress made of freshly matted leaves.

Sayid could smell nearby the low fragrant bushes with white flowers whose scent reminded him of jasmine. When he looked up, the gentle morning sky was open in every direction.

“I sleep here sometimes,” Jacob said, brushing off the little bed with a makeshift broom. “I can enjoy the stars.”

 _Like lovers_.... Sayid thought as they came down to each other on the sweet smelling bed. _We are lovers_ , he said to himself, repeating it a few times as he cupped Jacob's head to him, finding his eyes, caressing his hair, smelling him, nuzzling him with his nose and lips.

Oh how he loved their kisses, slow and deep with longing.

Jacob rolled onto him, and Sayid was thrilled by his weight, his slight motions of pleasure. Sayid breathed a low sigh of heightened pleasure.

Then Jacob sat up between his legs, opening Sayid's pants, sitting back on his heels as he pulled them off, sliding his hands under Sayid's legs. He leaned down and immediately breathed hot and moist on Sayid as he gently pressed the place high up under his testicles with his fingers. He slowly slowly brought his tongue so softly onto a special place, pressing wet and warm on the sensitive spot right under the glans, enjoying the changes in Sayid's breathing. He kept his tongue's increasing pressure on this spot as he moved it up and down slightly, then slowly licking the length of Sayid's penis, licking around the sides as he moved up and down, not touching the glans, teasing him.

He pressed into the spot again with his fingers, and when he took the glans in his mouth, Sayid rocked into him, expelling breath sharply as he grasped Jacob's head, trying insistently to pull him down onto him. Jacob resisted, but Sayid prevailed with a groan of rich gratification as Jacob kept his mouth tight around him, pushing down as far as he could, then rocking up and back again, making the motions he knew Sayid needed.

Sucking and tightening his lips, he expertly pleasured in a way Sayid had never quite experienced. He let Sayid determine the pace, and soon Sayid was past the point of no return so that he cried out with pleasure, then the jungle suddenly quiet as Sayid's mind was also quiet, laying with Jacob curling upon his waist, Jacob feeling his muscles still rippling, his breath still deep and insistent from the overwhelming pleasure.

They lay together for some time. The sounds of the jungle had returned, and their breathing was relaxed, sharing occasional sighs of contentment as they dozed with the first rays of the warm sun peeking through the trees, listening to the sounds of the sweet breeze and the distant waves.

Jacob came up to Sayid, laying next to him, and Sayid put his arm under and around Jacob, stroking his hair, taking his hand to kiss it, then clasping it against himself.

“Will you be mine, Jacob?” Sayid asked quietly, his voice sleepy.

“I will,” Jacob answered.

“Good.” Sayid pronounced in a contented voice, adding, “You are good.”

“Yes I am,” Jacob answered very softly.

"Mmmmmm..." Sayid said as they drifted towards sleep.


	11. Who the hell is Jacob?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Day 4, gap in narrative between day 3 & 4

“Sayid is back!” Hurley announced loudly.

Soon the whole camp was within view of Sayid's tent, where he stood assessing everyone's well-being while they looked him over, asking him where he went.

Sayid smiled, and looked at everyone. _I love these people_ , he thought.

“Whatever happened, it's good,” Hurley observed. “I didn't know Sayid could even smile like that!”

 _Dear Hurley..._ Sayid thought. _He misses nothing._

“Sayid got laid! Sayid got laid!” Hurley was laughing and high fiving with Kate, who clearly agreed, though she was watching Sayid with a look of concern. People repositioned themselves so they could see Sayid clearly, waiting for him to speak.

“Well, well...” Sawyer came walking up from the water, looking past Sayid at his pack to see if he brought anything back with him.

“...If it isn't Captain Falafel.” Sayid had resigned himself to this particular nickname long ago, as Sawyer had clearly decided on it. It had a certain charm, since he hated falafel. Not that he would tell Sawyer that. It was better than being called baba ghanoush, for instance.

“Sayid got laid,” Hurley repeated, turning back to his friend. “Come on Sayid, 'fess up. How did you manage to get laid on a mostly deserted island?”

Sawyer stopped, looking at Sayid closely. “Is it true?” he asked.

“Just because I live on an island doesn't mean I don't get to have secrets,” Sayid pronounced with a straight face, enjoying immensely how everyone's faces had changed, and how most jaws remained dropped a measure or two.

“Do not worry,” he waved at Kate and Sawyer, clearly about to grill him for details. “It is not one of the Others.”

“Well, who else is there?” Sawyer complained.

“Jacob,” said a voice, and everyone turned to look at Claire, who was standing near Sayid. Sayid felt a sudden glow that shot through his body. He loved this name... and it had turned into heat inside of him.

“Who the hell is Jacob?” Sawyer looked at Kate, then at Claire, who turned to face everyone. “And don't tell me he's some spirit in a cabin, 'cause we all know that was bullshit.”

Sawyer waited for an answer, then suddenly added, “Wait... _YOU are doing a guy,_ Sayid?!? Isn't that against your religion, or military training, or.....”

 _Sawyer has actually ran out of witty reparte,_ Sayid observed with a smile. He remained quiet, deciding how to handle his new status as homosexual ghost lover in the tiny beach front soap opera of survivors that occupied his time.

**“Jacob is real,” Claire began again. “He is the protector of the island. I have met him. You have all met him.”**

Everyone was still waiting for Sayid to speak.

“Look, we can settle this with very few words,” Sayid began, giving Claire a cautionary look. “Jacob has invited me to be his friend, and I have accepted. He is no threat at all to anyone here, or anyone on the island for that matter. He has not come here...” Not entirely true... “but may in the future. In the meantime, I ask that you allow me to enjoy the company of someone outside of our camp. I have spent all of my time guarding you for a very long time. I need to enjoy something different. Thank you.”

Sayid stood there, looking at everyone. He clearly wasn't going to say anything more, and Claire had not moved from his side. People began wandering off, discussing this development and looking back at Sayid with a wide range of reactions. Kate gave Claire a meaningful look before pulling at Sawyer's shirt, turning him to her with a “let's go” look, then walking him back towards the water.

“Really?” asked Hurley. “You got laid, and you're going to talk to a girl about it?” he looked at Claire, who made a face. Sayid said nothing.

“Later, dude,” Hurley promised before wandering off, clearly disgusted.

Sayid turned to Claire, then untied the flap to his tent and pulled it back for her. They kicked off their shoes, and he stepped in after her, placing his pack on the floor and motioning her to the little chair next to the door. He sat in the other chair, next to the bed, on which he placed his watch and sunglasses, rubbing his wrist where the sweat had built up under the band, lifting his hair for a moment, allowing the back of his neck to cool.

Claire looked around at Sayid's tent, clearly enjoying this little tour of his private space.

Sayid looked expectantly at Claire for several moments. She smiled back, letting him begin.

“Claire, why have you never told me that you met someone on this island, someone who is not one of the Others?”

“He asked me to wait, to wait until he was ready to talk to you,” she answered.

“And what else did he discuss with you?”

“We didn't really talk,” she answered, hesitating for a moment before she continued. “Well, we did, but he asked me not to tell you yet.”

“I saw him here,” she gestured towards the path outside his tent. “I think he was watching you. He was there when I came down the path,” Claire explained. “And he came by later, a few times, just to check on you, on how you were doing... And then he said he was going to talk to you finally, and that it would be okay to tell you about him, to tell everyone.”

Sayid was listening closely, and seemed puzzled. “Why did you say that everyone had met Jacob?”

**“We all know him,” she asserted. “He knows all of us from before we came to the island.”**

Sayid remembered again a moment when he had a feeling that perhaps he had met Jacob  _before_.

Claire gazed at Sayid shyly, with a knowing smile. “Jacob loves you, Sayid.”

“Yes.” Sayid answered, smiling. How he loved to hear that name...


	12. A favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Claire's previous experience with meeting Jacob ??
> 
> Sayid is going to play an important role in the fate of the Island, and protecting him will bring you good fortune.

Claire was hot and sticky when she came down the trail to the beach. She had gone to bathe in the stream above the little pool, her stream. No one went above the pool, which was too inviting to pass by. She enjoyed laying in the little bend in the stream where it was just deep enough to cover her, waiting for her newly washed clothes to approximate something this side of sogginess, hanging in the sun. She rested her head on the tiny sandy beach there, looking up at the green and golden light filtering through the tree tops, listening to the gentle sounds of the trees as the cool water worked its magic. Afterwards, she had dozed on the sand, her feet still in the gentle little stream.

Claire cursed playfully. Island life was moist, and bathing was only a temporary relief from the constant humidity. By the time she made her way back to camp, she was already hot and drenched with sticky moisture, something she never seemed to get used to, but somehow tolerated. She was moving in a gentle, careless way, her body still relaxed and not quite pulled back together for walking as she followed the so familiar trail, adjusting her clothes a bit before entering camp.

Just before the camp came into view, she saw a man sitting on the large tree that had fallen recently there, his heels up under his legs, his hands folded between his upturned legs. She was startled, but somehow not alarmed. She stopped, and looked at him, noticing his bare feet, his gentle smile, blond scruffy hair and primitive clothes. She guess him to be around forty years old, and someone who had lived on the island for some time.

“Hello, Claire,” Jacob said.

“Hello,” she answered. She stood on the trail, wondering why she immediately trusted the man, and wanted to talk to him.

“I am Jacob,” the man offered, then sat for a long moment, completely relaxed. He seemed to be listening. After some time, he focused on Claire again.

“I want to tell you something,” he said with emphasis, “...and ask a favor of you.”

“Okay...” she replied, obviously a little confused, but ready to hear what he had to say.

“My beloved lives here... here in your camp,” he began with a soft voice. “I have loved him for so many years now..." He stopped for a moment. "It is not yet time for us to meet here.” Jacob tilted his head slightly, a very slow movement, as he closed his eyes briefly. It was obviously to Claire that he was experiencing longing as he spoke.

“Will you help me, Claire?” He stopped for a moment, letting her catch up after being so direct. “I want to give to my love. It is so hard to love someone and not be able to give to them, to only be able to protect and care for them from afar.”

Jacob looked at Claire with an emotional, penetrating gaze as he spoke these last words, while his head seemed to float to the side again, ever so slightly, as though he slipped back into a simple resignation. _His eyes_... she thought. She felt herself falling forward, drawn into his eyes, blue... so blue. But she also felt her bare feet almost rooted, unmoving on the path. _So strange_... she thought. Still, she felt no danger from him. She felt no need to move, or look around. She felt safe with him, and that this was enough, just now.

“Why would you choose me?” she asked. “I can't protect anyone, I mean, not really...”

“That is exactly why I have come to you, Claire.” he said. “The island has.. I have chosen you to be his protector.”

“His...??” She repeated, looking at the man sideways. “Who is it?”

“It is Sayid,” Jacob answered.

“Sayid??” she said, deeply puzzled. _Sayid loves no one, and everyone_ , she thought. Claire had a very hard time imagining Sayid as a lover with a woman, let alone a man. True, he had loved Shannon, but that lasted a very short time and ended in tragedy. He had resumed a friendly distance from them when that happened. He seemed to have loved Shannon in spite of himself, and so had lost something of himself when she died. Claire imagined that he would never love again.

She had breathed in sharply and was about to protest the absurdity of the man's revelation, but Jacob continued, and so she stopped, exhaling slowly, listening to him patiently.

“Sayid will not let anyone protect him,” Jacob continued. “He protects others... as he protects you,” he glanced away then, towards the beach and Sayid's tent. “If I tell you how to protect and give to my love, will you help me?” He smiled, and continued before she could respond, before she could decide.

“Sayid is going to play a role in the protection of this island, Claire, and protecting him will bring you good fortune as an inhabitant.”

Jacob was quiet at last, and waited for Claire to speak.

“How can I protect Sayid?” she asked. “How can I give to him, I mean...?”

“By watching out for him, by noticing if he is in danger, or lacking something in any way, and asking others to help him,” Jacob said, clearly feeling a great deal about his hope that she might do this on his behalf.

“I could do that,” Claire said, feeling this was a good idea, and something she might be good at.

“And...” Jacob began, his voice eloquent with emotion, “...will you give to Sayid for me? Will you bring him special foods and snacks, offer to wash and mend his clothes, find things for him to read? Will you touch him sometimes, a pat on his back, a grasp of his hand... just briefly? He is never touched and we all need to touch and be touched.”

Claire nodded. Clearly the man's intentions were honest and good, even honorable. _He does love him_... she thought, noticing that this did not seem strange to her at all.

“I think I can... Hmmm.... Okay, I will do this for you, Jacob.” Claire said, smiling at him, already feeling a great deal of affection for him in spite of being strangers. “But, I still don't really know who you are, or why you are here.”

"I take care of the Island, Clare. I take care of all of you."

 _His eyes_...

Jacob smiled. Clare felt that she was protected, that the energy of this man was familiar. 

“And so, Claire,” he said, slipping from his perch and slowly walking the few steps to stand in front of her, to grasp her hand and look into her eyes. "I will remember your kindness."

Claire watched as the man turned away from the camp, puzzled at his peculiar, relaxed gait as he disappeared through the trees.

_Blue... so blue..._


	13. Claire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> Return to Day 4 in narrative

Sayid was quiet, intrigued by Claire's story. He smiled, noticing how intrigued he was by all of the details regarding her conversation with Jacob. It appeared that their meeting had taken place several weeks ago, and that Jacob had returned to speak with Claire occasionally, inquiring about his well-being, and savoring any details about Sayid's life with the little beach colony of survivors.

How strange that Claire would know Jacob, would carry Jacob's love to him before he knew that Jacob existed at all. _But maybe I did know him before..._ _even if I cannot remember._

“Thank you, Claire,” he said warmly, and she smiled.

“It was fun!” she said.

“You have been very nice to me,” Sayid ventured. “Of course, you are a nice person all the time, Claire.”

“Well, you are very nice too, Sayid,” she said getting up. “I always feel better whenever you are around.” She glanced about at Sayid's things again, adding, “...and I like Jacob a lot. Please tell him hello for me.” Claire stepped out and into her shoes.

Sayid pictured Jacob in the forest nearby, watching over him. He did not think of himself as someone who could be watched, not without knowledge of it.

 _Why did he wait?_  He wondered. _Why does he never explain such things?_  


	14. Let them wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit m-m sex  
> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> WANING CRESCENT
> 
> SETUP FOR THE BROTHER
> 
> , say midnight of 6th day to pre-dawn of 7th day.

A hand...

Sayid sat up, a hand on his mouth... He stopped his hand from grasping his weapon.

_It is him..._

“Sayid...” said a familiar voice, and Sayid felt himself melting into the unseen figure somehow sitting beside him, bending to Sayid's ear in the complete darkness of Sayid's tent.

“Jacob....” Sayid breathed with a grasping need, clinging to Jacob as a surge of ecstatic relief filled him, bringing the very beginning of tears to his eyes. _I never cry..._ he thought as he moved over on the cot, pulling then rolling on top of Jacob, covered his naked body with his own, pressing into him, his head side by side against Jacob's, pushing against him, squeezing, squeezing. His response was so complete, so honestly visceral that he was awed by its simple intensity.

The sounds of urgent kissing and quiet moans of fierce need and pleasure stayed close in the confines of Sayid's tent as the men wrestled against each other, kissing and licking lips, ears, face, eyes, neck and shoulders and breasts, trying to get even closer, to become one.

They caressed and squeezed each other in their passion, their pleasure feeding their pleasuring... the pleasuring feeding their pleasure until Sayid stopped suddenly, pressing his pelvis hard against Jacob's hand, Jacob's head in his hands, kissing him deeply, slowly, slowly, feeling the urgent sensations still filling their bodies to overflowing, letting the pleasure and need subside a little, their shared breath becoming more steady as they kissed.

“My love,” Jacob whispered, his voice plaintive, resigned. “I have longed for you... for your touch...”

Sayid answered with lingering, loving kisses on Jacob's face, his hands, in his hair.

“My love...” Sayid said in a deep voice, low with pleasure.

Jacob was moved. It was the first time his reserved lover had named him thus.

“My love...” repeated Sayid as he gently turned Jacob over, laying on him, whispering what he wanted, what he would take from him. Sayid sat up, and found in the little jar of oil he had made for his hair and poured some into his hand, a little on Jacob as he found his way, pleasuring himself as Jacob relaxed for him, then Sayid slipped so slowly inside, so that Jacob moaned with pleasure.

“Ohhh,” Sayid whispered at Jacob's ear. “Ohhhh.” Still very slow, a little deeper each time, so they both seemed to fall out of time, out of normal sensation and reason into a place of pure pleasure rising through their bodies with a slow, hot burst of molten pleasure, over and over to overflowing, their breaths long and ecstatic, the noise of lovers given to something old and new, necessary and unforeseen.

Somehow their pleasure did not demand release for several minutes, until there was only their moist breath and a shared stillness, a trance of pleasure that engulfed the gentle rocking and shifting of their bodies until their skin began like fire to ripple with ecstatic pleasure, over and over an aurora borealis of blissful sensation leaping and curling about on their skin.

“Do you feel that?” whispered Sayid.

“Yes,” Jacob said.

Minutes.

“When, my love...?” Sayid offered control to Jacob, a statement that was a question, his body pulling on itself from the pleasure, still pulling against Jacob, rubbing his chest of black curly hair on Jacob's smooth back, his hot breath at Jacob's ear, his face on Jacob's hair, loving him over and over in this gentle rhythm of full body bliss and ecstasy. He took Jacob into his hand, and Jacob moaned, pushing into his hand as Sayid pushed into him.

Sayid's rhythm became faster, his movements more furtive, and Jacob allowed himself to match Sayid's building need for release. He felt his own release imminent, rocking in Sayid's arms as he began.

“Now, Sayid...” Jacob said quietly, his voice full of necessity.

 _Do not call out... do not call out..._ Sayid thought as he called out, as he felt himself slipping, then pouring over the withdrawing edge of a great length of pleasure which somehow caught him and demanded from him everything, every muscle, vessel, organ and fold of skin given over to a flood of physical release made from love... all of this from love.

 

After a very long while, sweaty kisses and rubbing of hair and face and hands together in the dark, Sayid whispered: “Everyone knows you are here.”

Sayid could feel Jacob smiling in the darkness.

“Yes, they do,” Jacob agreed.

“Let them wonder.” Sayid said with satisfaction. _I am with Jacob now_.

 

Hours had passed and they remained entwined, naked to the night's breezes, a tiny silver light growing behind them as the waning crescent topped the mountains and the jungle changed, somehow larger, somehow smaller, the wind with more longing in the trees, their own sighs made of more breath and the lapping of the waves closer and yet more still.

 _The Island... what is this island...?_ Sayid closed his eyes, touching the island as a living being, as his bed, the air on his skin and in his hair, his eyes, his lips. He could smell the island and the ocean that surrounded it. 

“My love,” Jacob began.

“My love," Sayid answered. He could just see Jacob now by the tender light of the rising moon. _What has he come to tell me?_

They were quiet for a bit longer, a way of loving each other.

Jacob sat up, and after a few moments Sayid also sat up, his back to the netted wall. He drank from his canteen, savoring the cool flavor on the polished metal, remembering several places that this canteen had been a part of stories large and small, then offered the canteen to Jacob.

Jacob handed it back, then settled back at the head of the little cot and gazed at Sayid, whose dark outline was now just visible in the tiny ray of moonlight finding its way in through the netting. The light caught Sayid's eyes when he turned his head, gazing up at the moon, his eyes dark and full of feeling, of presence, and awakened purpose. Sayid waited, drinking again from the canteen.

“Tell me,” Sayid said at last, just able to see Jacob's eyes, his hair, his lips.

Jacob waited, his reticence communicated before the words.

"You have chosen me, my love."

Sayid was silent, finding in his own heart that this was true.

“My brother knows this,” he said. “And that I have come to tell you.”

Sayid felt a little thrill of fear go through him. _Tell me what?_ He asked himself. 

Sayid waited.

 **"He knows you have chosen me, Sayid. My brother will come now, while we are apart." He was silent for a moment.** **"I cannot free him of his darkness, Sayid. Will you help me?"**

**"What is his darkness?" Sayid asked quietly.**

**"I will tell you, but not now." He began again. "** **You both have a darkness.** **The Island has shown you to me, and I have chosen you for me, Sayid. But the Island has also chosen you for my brother."**

 **"How can I help if I don't know what this darkness is? What is 'a darkness'?** **What do you see in me?" Sayid demanded quietly. _I did not choose to come to this island_ , he thought. _And I_ _did not choose to meet this brother_. He heard the impatience in his voice and calmed the grip of frustration starting in his muscles.**

 **"You have a darkness, Sayid. You have two. One at another's hand, and many at your own hand. _Your own hand, Sayid_." Jacob waited, then spoke again. "M** **y brother met his requirement long ago. But he has an unanswered brutality, a reserve of bitter hate that must be changed to love. As you have, as you must do as well."**

**Sayid was silent. Somehow Jacob knew of the places in himself that he had shut away, that he had lived through, then worked so hard to leave behind. But _here_... there was more to  Jacob's words. He heard pain in Jacob's voice, and Sayid had never heard anything of this pain before.**

**"My love..." Sayid said. He waited for Jacob to speak. The sounds of night slipped through the tent on the fresh breeze of night, bringing the sudden fragrance of the _neem_ flower, calming Sayid. He breathed deeply, focusing, thinking, thinking of Jacob's pain. He could not bear his sadness. Jacob had asked. He found that was enough.**

**"I will," Sayid said. He could feel Jacob softening in the darkness, finding Sayid's hand on the bed, exhaling a long breath of relief.**

**"What will happen?" Sayid whispered.**

**"He will choose."** **Jacob's voice was sad again.**

**"What will he do...?" Sayid whispered with wonder to himself.**

_I shall get through this as I always do_ , Sayid calmed himself with the confidence of experience. Sayid squeezed Jacob's hand reassuringly, and Jacob's firm squeeze caused Sayid's heart to wrench a little bit in his chest. _This is love_ , he thought. Then ... _why must we remain separated?_  

Sayid realized their sweet moments together were almost over. He wanted to pull Jacob to him, but he sat as Jacob arose to dress, preparing to return to the little cave, to live apart from his Sayid once more.

“I still do not really understand this... or even why it is necessary,” Sayid complained about their separation.

“You will understand,” promised Jacob, finding and caressing Sayid's cheek with the back of his hand, soft and rough at the same time. “You will...” he said as he slipped off the bed and came to his feet, as did Sayid. They hugged and kissed, lingering in embrace before Jacob pulled aside the flap and stepped out onto the hard soil giving way to sand, slipping into his sandals as Sayid emerged, longing on his face and in his posture.

“We are not saying goodbye, Sayid,” Jacob said as he put his forehead on Sayid's. "We will be together again." He squeezed Sayid's arm, gathering himself to the task at hand. He then turned to walk up the path, disappearing in the darkness pooled there amongst the thick trees.

Sayid stood so for several moments, trying to comprehend why he must let Jacob go, and not run after him. _This must end_ , he thought, ready to face this “brother” and pass whatever test he and the island thought he should endure.

“I will go and find this brother,” he said softly, almost laughing as he reflected on how strange it was to have been brought here by an island. “Very strange....” he whispered under his breath as he stood alone at the edge of the tropical forest that surrounded a little camp by the sea.  

 


	15. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER EDIT
> 
> Afternoon and night of the 9th day (previous chapter ends on pre-dawn of 7th day)
> 
> Sayid sets out to find the brother. He goes south. He sets up camp in the afternoon of the 9th day. At nightfall he looks at the stars, falls asleep. So ends the night of the 9th day.
> 
> He dreams of the Russian and the one corpse who is three loves lost.

Sayid decided that he would go south, away from the beach of the sentinel, along the familiar beach of their camp, and around the distant point to the very long beach beyond. He had packed enough food for several days, and carried his weapon at his back, something he always did away from camp even before some unfortunate encounters with the Others were nearly or completely solved by displaying it.

If the brother did not appear, he would enjoy scouting this area again as it had been several weeks since he had been this way, and it was his favorite part of the island. No one was ever here, no survivors, no worrying about encounters with the Others, just Sayid, and he preferred it that way. He relaxed into the sea breeze and the warm afternoon sun as he walked along the water, just past the reach of the waves, following the upper edge of the wet sand where the sand was most stable.

As the afternoon passed he had settled into a comfortable rhythm, enjoying the glow of exercise and the fresh air filling his lungs, scouring away everything but the present moment, and the golden light on the sparkling water. He had a place in mind to camp, but did not hurry, for there was plenty of time to arrive there before evening light. He felt no fear, and any concern had slipped away, so that he felt his usual sense of safety in focus, awareness and concentration, a mental sharpness which had served him as a soldier and become essential to his personality.

As he approached the selected spot, he felt his usual sadness mixed with happiness to see the little heart he had carved into the tree still plainly visible, a memento to a night spent there with Shannon, before she found out that Boone had died. He settled into this place again, into his easy, simple camp, eating, drinking and then refreshing his water at the little stream nearby, watching the sun go down over the sea, simply enjoying solitary moments which he required and began to crave if too long passed between times away from camp.

Sayid thought of the time he had spent with Jacob, before he had returned to camp. Their conversations about many things, about Sayid's life before the island, and Jacob's life here, how he had learned to take care of himself, and keep himself occupied.

Jacob taught Sayid a strange little board game, with round pieces made of polished stones. They found they were a good match, and spent hours playing, watching the sun move across the sky, chatting again about what they knew about each other, delighting in each other's voice and presence.

Their lovemaking had become fervent, sometimes blindly physical with need, sometimes smouldering with a slow and deliberate passion, sometimes light and playful, combined with talk and even eating, feeding each other, massaging each other. Sometimes Sayid stayed alone, isolated inside while Jacob loved him, approaching only his body and his responses, saying nothing during or after.

Sayid turned his head to look up the beach which was glowing red with the last rays of the sun. The red moved into the treetops, then disappeared as the sun continued below the horizon. The night migration of seabirds back to their roosts was a familiar sight at sundown, some noisy and some silent, some solitary and some in groups.

The last light of the sun was fading, his body somehow heavy as he sat very still, letting the last remnants of any social obligation slip from his body. As night fell, he remembered Shannon with pleasure, and the pleasure they had shared, golden in the firelight. Further down the beach, Sayid could hear a the night heron croaking as it lifted from the little rocky outcropping that fed the stream down to this little alcove of beach.

He lay back on his bed roll, watching as the sky turned to liquid azure, then dense indigo, then the endless, unearthly black of space with stars and stars and stars...

After a time, he rolled into his sleep sack and fell asleep.

 

He dreamed that he was back in Moscow, feeling that he was watching himself as he found his familiar Walther PPQ and Osprey silencer in hand and ready under his coat, watching as a man dined with his two goons nearby, obviously enjoying his food and drink as he watched a weightlifting match on TV.

He swore in Russian, yelling at the TV, then suddenly turned to look straight at Sayid, who had thought he had gone unnoticed. He looked around, noticing that somehow everyone else had left, all but the man and his bodyguards, who all looked at Sayid.

“Come work for me,” he cajoled Sayid genially, completely unafraid, though he knew that Sayid was there to kill him. “I shall make you my _pravaya ruka_ , dear Sayid...” Suddenly the men turned as one and were firing through the windows, they were all shooting into the street as though Sayid was no longer there with them, the clouds of spent gunpowder spinning around Sayid as he walked slowly from the restaurant and out to the street.

There was one body on the sidewalk. He stopped, staring at the impossible. He could not see who it was. But he recognized Nadia, dead. Then it was Shannon. His confusion was physically painful, and he closed his eyes.

Finally he turned away, everything around him moving so that he tried over and over to regain his balance.


	16. The test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: This chapter has brutal non-consensual m-m rape**
> 
>  
> 
> FINAL EDIT NOTES: Predawn of the 8th day.

Sayid was suddenly awake, and barely moved as he slipped his finger out onto the trigger guard of his .38, the handgun warm from his body over it. 

He remained relaxed, looking for a second through half open eyes before he rolled quickly from his bed, already a soldier, ready to trip or kick, holding the handgun against his leg, controlling any urge to use the weapon out of surprise or fear.

He felt a strange sickness, a sudden nausea.

There sat Jacob in the quiet before dawn, or so it seemed. Jacob sat on the sand near his bed, looking at him with a peaceful look of relaxed anticipation.

 _Not Jacob_ , he thought.

“No, I am not Jacob.”

 _What sort of being can do this, can appear as another, and have the sound of his voice?_ Sayid protested inside, for it hurt that this was not his love, yet could look and sound like him.

“That is why,” he answered, and Sayid knew that he meant to choose this form because of the pain it caused in him. _The brother. The test._

They sat like this for several minutes. Sayid disciplined himself to let the man make the first move.

The man came to his feet, silent, eye to eye, his eyes so blue. Sayid could not help searching to find Jacob in those eyes, but he was not there, nothing of him at all, only something dark, in this moment, repulsive.

 _Not my beloved's body, not my beloved's voice..._ Sayid protested inside. He realized he was afraid. This test was already beyond him. larger than him. _The way I was always larger than them...their fate in my hands._

“What are you?” Sayid demanded quietly, wanting to fight this false appearance. The man looked at him for a moment longer with those bluest of blue eyes, with Jacob's kind and beautiful face, and when he smiled Sayid was falling inside, reaching for memories of supple hands, lips offered in love, a brother and a lover nothing like this shadowy presence, offering nothing, seeking nothing, taking everything.

“What is your name?” Sayid remained calm, still gripping his weapon against his leg.

“I have no name for you... Sayid,” the brother answered with some venom, looking briefly at the place where Sayid's hand hid the gun against the folds of his pants. “And _that_ cannot hurt me. **  
**

He had not moved, but then his head tilted so slowly, back a little, easily visible in the growing light, his voice dark and menacing: **“You will serve me, Sayid Jarrah. You will endure and be used by me, and I will call you mine.”**

With two steps he had overtaken Sayid, grasping him around the neck, moving with a speed and a strength well beyond that he knew from Jacob.

Sayid was shocked by Jacob's body used for this sudden overwhelming violence, and felt his heart go cold, breaking, falling as he fell, as he chose his next move.

He was moving in an instant, spinning away, seeming to retreat while pressing into the man from below, kicking hard on his knee and groin as he spun over and landed again on his knees, immediately on his feet. He found himself encircled by the man, and easily overpowered by him, turning Sayid away from him and pushing him to the ground, flattening him into the baked sand in loose mounds over the hard earth of the nearby trees.

The brother made sounds of satisfaction as he was clearly exultant over Sayid, who struggled upward, his movements coming slower and more desperate when he could not escape, finding himself over and over face down on the sand. The man grabbed Sayid by an ample handful of his thick hair and pulled him to his feet, then threw him back down as soon as he got his balance. He did this several times, humiliating him. “Weak...” the man said. “Wanting love, such a dirty, disgusting boy. _Is this what you want?_ ” Again he pulled Sayid up, this time pushing downward with him, his knee on Sayid' back as he pressed his face hard into the loose sand, so that Sayid must breathe through his mouth, dry and filled with sand.

Sayid tried, but he could not fight free, could not find his feet, could not get away. Each time he was pushed down he felt a successive dark curtain of fear and humiliation drawn across his mind, blocking all else out. He had no time to prepare for such defeat and despair, because it was not possible, not something he could have ever imagined, that someone could mimic the uncle's exact voice, his exact words. He grasped inside himself for something he thought of as his, anything with which to fight against this onslaught, the fight for his mind.

_No no no......_

Now deep within him the memory came, feral, hot as liquid fire, the trusted neighbor leading him gently to his house, feeding him so sweetly, so kind as Sayid was relaxed and playful, touching the man's possessions while he had watched him in silence. Like a whisper he came and caught him up, beating him again and again as the hours like days passed, then each time raping him brutally, leaving him bleeding and torn physically and inside his mind, each time cast aside and castigated for bringing it onto himself, by seeking favor with everyone he met, and expecting love from them.

He had returned home ruined, no longer a child. He hid his injuries, and began to live apart from others, from all of life. He left the room when his parents entered it, for he could not bear what they must be thinking about him, so filthy and shameful as he was. His world became his prison, and all learning became the means to somehow mimic the ways of adults without their help, always struggling beyond the survival skills of a child. How easily he began to change himself, adapting the skills that were expected by his father, brutality.

The brother was laughing at his ear as the released memory burned Sayid inside, full, unprocessed and raw... as his beloved's laughter taunted with his intimate breath and cruel pleasure at his ear.

_No no no... not my beloved's body, not my beloved's voice._

_Monster_.... he hissed inside, hoping he would hear.

The brother responded by trudging away and returned through the sand, and for a moment Sayid registered where he was, and the time of day. The brother was drawing out a long coil of rope, and still holding Sayid down with his weight upon his back, quickly forced Sayid's aching arms with hands together above his head on the sand, tying his hands with long coils left hanging from his wrists. The second his knee was lifted from his back Sayid was moving away, rolling before coming to his feet--to find the man already in front of him. Sweet Jacob stood with a simple, easy smile of hateful delight.

 _No..._ Jacob grabbed him by the rope on his hands. _No..._ Jacob dragged him to the nearest tree. _No..._ Jacob's hands encircling the tree as he fought for his mind.

Sayid could see those hands, so like the ones that had loved him, had touched him with love, watching as Jacob's hands were binding him to the tree. He could hear the man breathing with Jacob's breath, a certain warm fragrance as he quickly knotted the rope, testing it, making noises of satisfaction as he stepped back, leaving Sayid on his knees, still breathing in spurts, coughing and spitting soil and sand.

_The thing that I fear most..._

This is not possible. No one had ever truly overpowered Sayid physically in his entire adult life, not without the means to get free by his strength and wits. He had cut himself off from that other boy who was damaged, lost in shame and self-hatred. That _forever child_ who felt powerless, overcome by a force much greater than his own, a force that came to him in the form of the beloved neighbor who had loved him and petted him, his eyes always full of delight whenever Sayid came into the room, running to hug his legs and call him Uncle.

Sayid was jerked from this moment of uncontrollable reverie The brother had grasped Sayid's hair again, then crouching next to him, pulled his head back so that their eyes met in the growing light.

_My beloved's eyes..._

Sayid's face was covered with snot, soil and sand. He spit, matching the man's gaze, keeping his eyes up, gasping for breath, conquered but still defiant.

Still the man looked into his eyes, waiting. Until Sayid somehow realized that _this_ would be something much more than the worst that a human could inflict on him, and that there would be no reprieve, no way to endure it and remain whole.

 _A creature, not a man_ , Sayid thought.

The creature smiled.

As he stood and ripped Sayid's pants down from his hips, the symbolic sound of ripping made Sayid cry out in fear, then the man reached under him, pulling Sayid's pelvis up as he fell to his knees behind him, as he pulled Sayid's entire body taught on the rope biting deep into his wrists.

Sayid's consciousness was no longer his, and surged as a vast undoing that rolled as cold fear through his entire being.

_Jacob...! Why didn't you warn me?_

"Jacob," he called out. "Jacob!!"  _Jacob! Come to me, Jacob._   He knew that Jacob could come in this way, but did not. Abandoned, he was breaking down now. Horror and despair had shut down his mind, and his breaths became cries, as he fought aimlessly with his body.

"Jacob! Jacob...!!" _Why do you betray me? Do you love me still?_

 _Steady, steady, steady...._ Sayid found his soldier's mantra arising from habit. But it made little difference as he pulled at his bonds, blood oozing from his hands and wrists, kicking and rolling, desperate to find a way that would stop this nightmare, to keep it from destroying him, as the child in him was once destroyed.

The man enjoyed his struggles, waiting until Sayid was beyond tired, then suddenly bucked Sayid's knees up and under him, he then let Sayid drop away from him, back to the ground, struggling again to keep himself flat. Again and again, he pulled Sayid up against him, then let him pull away.

Sayid felt the cold darkness in him like a heavy liquid, and a steady hissing in his ears as he was pulled up and was forced over and over onto his knees. Finally he was too exhausted to continue, and the man pushed him closer to the tree, pulling the untied ends of the rope back and holding his ankles tightly, tying the ends to each of Sayid's ankles, keeping them forward, controlling their distance from his hands.

Keeping him taught on the rope, he lifted Sayid with one arm under his pelvis, and Sayid began to move about in quick desperation as he felt the fingers searching, then guiding as the man found entry. Sayid cried out with pain when the man entered him, as he brutally continued forcing his way into him. He pushed into Sayid again and again, keeping him up on his knees, seeking the depths of him, speaking with Jacob's voice loving words of pleasure and promise, then whispering filth in his ear in Arabic, calling him a whore and worse, just as the beloved neighbor had done so many years ago.

Sayid reached again for his strength, and brought it forth in a hissing promise of death, a tumble of words distorted by the violent jarring movements of the physical assault on his body. He would kill this brother. Just as he had killed so many others. 

 _But then I will lose him, my beloved Jacob_ , he realized.

 _Jacob_... Sayid called out in his mind. _Jacob...!_ _Where is Jacob, my Jacob..._ He felt himself sobbing and knew that he was undone at last, his confidence in finding escape and dominance utterly destroyed... and with nothing else to hold to but a single craving:for his undoing to somehow end, for an inevitable relief and the only way out of this place of hell. 

And in that moment of accepting defeat, of ceasing to fight that long ago fight, he heard himself cry out, the words seeming to come from a hidden place inside, an unknown place which held the vitality and promise of his life and his future.

 _“ _Ana bahebek_!”_ Sayid cried out, his voice so strong and shaped by desperation, and then longing, the breath coming as uneven sobs.

 _“Ana bahebek...!!”_ He repeated, breaking down into convulsive sobs, as a surge of fire in huge waves that came up from somewhere so very tight, a place he had somehow held back until this moment. He felt his heart break open as he called out to his love, his heart somehow new and tender with the love of that one rushing into his broken heart in return.

 _“I love you...”_ he cried softly, picturing Jacob's face and his loving eyes, drinking deeply from the beautiful memories of their loving, accepting this moment, this  _here..._ as the taste of his tears, the moving inside with the sweet feelings of release as he sobbed, as he slipped away from everything he had ever become in this life, gently flowing with the real and perfect love that he found pouring from and into his heart, free from endless dark currents of fear or pain, a pure and endless river to his future and his place at Jacob's side.

"I choose you..." Sayid whispered, his voice a hoarse release, breaking with subtle emotion.

Immediately the brother was gone.


	17. Two brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"This is why there are two of us... two brothers, who are so different_... Jacob thought. He pictured what his brother must had done to Sayid on this beach while Jacob was curled up in another world, the world in his breaking heart where Sayid need not pay for torturing, pay for murdering, and still be his. Could Sayid somehow relinquish--without reliving--the choice he made when emerging on the other side of a child's undoing, the choice then to conquer others, as had his father. Would he now choose love instead?"
> 
>  
> 
> FINAL EDIT NOTES  
> Previous chapter, Sayid is raped by the brother in the pre-dawn of the 8th day.  
> Jacob comes to him on morning of 8th day. Chapter ends in evening of 8th day.  
> Tide crashing high on the shore at sunset

Sayid lay crying gently into the sand, inhaling sharply between gentle sobs. He was alone. The tears still came up from that long ago place. He felt himself a broken container, thrown aside, ruined and inconsolable, his essence somehow diluted, pouring from him into the sand, into nothing. He touched nothing and nothing touched him. He need do nothing except encompass the grief of another age and another continent, his grief for the boy that was despised, then damaged so long ago.

"No..." Sayid felt his swollen lips move, thought there was no sound. "No." He could not escape it, the image of the savagely worn desk filled his vision. The bolt for the cuffs, the worn spot on the edge of the desk where someone lived their last moments... where he sat, passing judgement, _choosing to torture_.

Sayid could hear the crunch sound of sand sinking underfoot as someone approached and knelt to him, then touched him so gently, so that he rolled so slightly into him, allowing himself to drift into the care of his lover. Jacob carefully undid his bonds, then lifting his curls, moaned and kissed his bruised and torn face, wiping Sayid's eyes and mouth carefully with his shirt.

“ _Sayid_...” he whispered gently, carefully taking the man into his arms, then rocking him so sweetly onto him, allowing Sayid's moist and sand caked hair to fall back down around his face like a curtain.

After a time, Sayid's breath became silent, a noiseless sigh of pain with each inbreath, a silent surrender to nothing with each outbreath.

Jacob leaned forward and gently placed Sayid back upon the sand. He stood, and taking up Sayid's trampled bed roll, shook it out nearby, returning to lay it next to him out on the sand still cool and mild in the morning shade.

Sayid groaned as Jacob lifted him and moved him onto the blanket, placing him on it so gently. He examined the brutal cuts in Sayid's wrists and hands, then carefully removed his torn pants. He went through Sayid's pack, finding a spare shirt and his water bottle.

He used the shirt and water to sponge Sayid clean, turning him gently, carefully finding and cleaning his wounds, then pressing the cool cloth onto his face over and over to soothe and comfort him.

When Sayid was still turned to him, he held the water flask to Sayid's lips, whispering to him to drink. He poured a little trickle between his swollen lips, keeping Sayid's hair back as he trickled water over his face and the edges of his hair, the water falling into the sand. But Sayid did not drink, and Jacob finally let his head slip back upon the bedroll.

Jacob pulled the opaque top blanket up and over Sayid's head, then laying beside him, slipped under the blanket with him, sharing a soothing world of quiet and warmth, away from the salty air, safe from the world, close in the darkness. Still turned to Jacob, Sayid's breath collected as moisture on Jacob's face and arm as Jacob very lightly caressed Sayid's face and pushed back his hair.

Sayid tried not to move, still moaning softly from pain when he cried, silent tears that fell from his face changed by pain, bending his body so slightly, shaking from deep inside. Jacob felt himself tormented by Sayid's pain, and burned to take it from him, to kiss his tears, caress his face. He could in but a moment. But Sayid was still deep and far, and Jacob did not try to reach him, but waited for him, so close, keeping watch, vigilant for that moment when he would emerge, and might reach for him.

The sun was at mid-morning and creeping up the sand when Jacob sensed a change in Sayid. He seemed to settle into a place in himself where he could be comforted by sleep, and slept deeply at last. Still Jacob stayed close, watching him sleep.

The mid-day sun had reached them, warming their legs and then their shoulders, and Jacob held the edge of the blanket up to let in some of the cooling breeze. Sayid stirred, and Jacob sat up,

 

Jacob brought some fresh water from the nearby stream, which Sayid again refused.  Jacob went aways down the beach to sit where he could still hear Sayid if he were to call, singing to himself, making soothing songs beside his mother the sea, whispering to her his fears. When Jacob returned to Sayid, he had moved somewhat, and some of the water had been taken. He knew then that Sayid had chosen to live, _to become_... and he sat alone beside him, waiting.

When Sayid next awoke, Jacob held the water bottle to Sayid's lips, whispering for him to drink. Sayid reached for the bottle and held it as he drank several long pulls of water, spilling little, swishing his dry mouth and spitting, then drinking more.

He lay back, instantly asleep. After a time, he rolled onto his other side, and Jacob lay at his back.

The sand around them baked now from the afternoon sun, and Jacob slid out and walked a little into the trees, watching Sayid, who remained still. When he returned and slipped back under the blanket, hot from the sun, Sayid rolled onto his back with a sharp inbreath. His eyes fluttered, and Jacob sat up a little, gazing down at Sayid, needing him, wanting so badly to wake him, to gather him up, to go back to before... to carry him away from this forever place of defeat and pain. How it cut him inside that he might have kept him safe, but could not, no... he no longer lived for only himself, not for a very long time now.

**_This is why there are two of us... two brothers, who are so different..._ Jacob thought. He pictured what his brother must had done to Sayid on this beach while Jacob was curled up in another world, the world in his breaking heart where Sayid need not pay for torturing, pay for murdering, and still be his. Could Sayid somehow relinquish--without reliving--the choice he made when emerging on the other side of a child's undoing, the choice then to conquer others, as had his father. **

**Would he now choose love instead?**

The sun was deep in the west, and the tide crashing high on the shore when Sayid stirred and moved slightly, moaning. Eyes still closed, he moved his arms, gingerly touching each of his wrists, then his lips and face, guaging his wounds. Jacob watched him closely, letting Sayid decide.

_How will he treat me? What will he say, that I did not come? That I did not help him?_

Sayid reached out for him, immediately finding him so near above him, and carefully pulled Jacob into him, grasping him, sighing again and again as he shook, making more tears now, rocking against Jacob as he breathed in relief and breathed out his pain, and Jacob the only answer to that pain, making the sounds of finding the one most feared to be lost.

 _“Jacob... my Jacob...”_ whispered Sayid, his mouth dry, his voice raspy.

Jacob began to weep.


	18. Now cracks a noble heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> Sayid lays on the beach day & night of 9th and 10th days
> 
> Early morning of 11th day, waves seemd to slip in on a liquid hush  
> Then early morning on the morning of the 11th day, Sayid speaks to Jacob.

Sayid lay still for two days and two nights, rolled up alone under the blanket away from the world, pushing away from Jacob and the sun, knowing only the sounds of the wind and the sea. Jacob curled up at his back under his own rough blanket, waiting for Sayid to come back from that dark battle, bringing news of a new life, breaking out of the old.

On the third day, as the birds began in the dark morning promise, as the low waves themselves seemed to slip in on a liquid hush, Sayid rolled onto his back and tried a very deep breath, moving about slightly, then very gently pushing back his hair, his breath breaking and uneven from the pain in his hands and body as he settled, finding comfort again in stillness.

“Jacob,” he said quietly.

“I am here.”

“Where were you... then?”

“Hidden away, my love.”

Sayid seemed to accept this, and Jacob listened as his breathing slowed, as Sayid settled back into his inner place of healing and struggle. Jacob felt his own body flushed and swaying from longing, the longing in his soul to somehow comfort Sayid physically, to give to his lover, and felt he could bear it no longer.

“ _Sayid_...” Jacob whispered.

“Yes, Jacob... I will take your kisses.”

Jacob lifted himself closer to Sayid and touching his hair, brought his lips so tenderly to his forehead, his cheeks, his eyes and then his lips. The kiss was gentle and chaste, and Sayid did not flinch, but did not kiss back. Jacob withdrew slightly, turning away just a little, sensing Sayid plumbing at last the long, hollowed darkness of his being as Jacob without flinching stayed so close, taking great comfort in not leaving him alone to this cruel task.

The sun had not yet peeked above the mountains behind them, but the gentle windsong had been trumped by the nearby chatter of birds already sailing through their waking hours, the wind teasing at the edges of the men's bedding, whirling past them in little spurts that felt warm and playful.

“Jacob,” Sayid said, remaining relaxed and still.

“Yes, my love.”

“I will take food.”

Jacob brought water and fresh mangos, opening them for Sayid, who took small bites and ate slowly. The food stung in his mouth where his teeth had dug in, and he took tiny sips of water frequently to dilute the juice. Jacob offered raw fish, then dried, but Sayid would not. Jacob ate the raw fish, saving his store of dried fish for Sayid, for when he was ready.

 

Jacob had returned again with two kinds of thick leaves, mixing the different saps together, spitting on the concoction as he whisked it around on his palms, rolling it loosely into a syrupy glob that he applied to Sayid's wrists and hands. Sayid lay dozing as Jacob massaged and very gently pulled the skin there, helping it to heal flat and soft. He did the same with Sayid's knees and ankles, then tenderly rubbed his body with braided leaves dipped in half dried coconut milk, antiseptic and fragrant from the little white flowers that he called _neem_.

Sayid had refused to allow his other wounds to be examined or treated. He had made urine on the sand, but eventually Jacob helped Sayid to stand and go into the trees for a time, listening for Sayid's call to return and help him back to the beach. Sayid seemed unconcerned as they returned, leaning on Jacob as they walked slowly, and Jacob took this as a sign that his injuries were healing well.

He helped Sayid to a spot on the sand a little ways off, then poured water though his hair, cleansing it with the _neem_ milk, gently working through the rtangles before rinsing it clean, then tying his mass of black curls into a loose knot at the ends the way Sayid wore it.

Sayid clearly enjoyed the sensual water and touching of his hair, and when Jacob was done, he at last sat straight up, stretching muscles knotted from pain and inactivity, his body slimmer, softer, seeming reborn. Jacob felt himself on the other side of this change, and struggled with his painful longing for Sayid, praying inside that Sayid would find his way back to him. He reached slowly to Sayid, caressing his shoulder so lightly with his fingertips, then leaning forward to put his nose in Sayid's hair, sweet with his smell and the intoxicating flowers. Jacob was overcome, and Sayid sat still, facing away from him, looking out to sea as Jacob put his face on Sayid's shoulder and wept.


	19. I am here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> Previous chapter ended morning of the 11th day
> 
> Sayid has healed enough to talk at sunset on the 13th day  
> 

Sayid was dreaming. He sat on the beach alone, watching the wind capped waves. Then in the distance he saw Jacob walking solemnly up the beach towards him, bearing a small body, that of a child.

He saw someone behind Jacob who seemed to suddenly disappear.

Then Jacob was standing alone next to him, reaching down to him. Sayid was falling somehow as the island opened to another world underneath where the light was strange, and his body felt lighter somehow, so that he was almost floating.

He was back then, and floated out over the water, walking just above it, thrilled by this experience. But he knew he was going to fall again, and suddenly found himself far out by the breakers, where he fell into the rough water, dark and menacing, then turned back, swimming hard to make it back to shore.

When he reached the beach, he was standing again in the shallow water, and Jacob was standing by Shannon's tree praying over Sayid's bedroll, a small body in it, a young boy with dark hair and skin.

“I am here,” he called out to Jacob, but Jacob could not hear him.

 

Sayid woke up, reaching for Jacob, then turning to him, knowing he was waiting for him, had waited for him.

“Jacob...,” he breathed as Sayid embraced Jacob at last, feeling his skin, his warmth, his muscles and bones so perfect and put together just so, tasting him, breathing in his breath and his scent, breathing them out as the little sigh released, then slipping away, leaving a silent joy.

Jacob rolled at last into Sayid's embrace with the sweet joy of relief, opening to Sayid's need for him, answering his return, offered as physical love and affection. He let Sayid touch his face, remembering how it looked before his own was savaged, happy that one of them was still whole, and unharmed.

When Sayid withdrew, Jacob remained as he was for just a moment, closing his eyes, breathing slowly a long breath of relief and warm pleasure slipping into every part of his body.

He opened his eyes, and Sayid was so close, smiling and sighing as they settled back into each other. Sayid reached to touch Jacob's spiky hair, caressing his face again, his hand on Jacob's cheek, then feeling his own face welcoming and relaxed as he looked into Jacob's eyes, showing his soul, that he was still alive and returning, coming alive again.

“Jacob, my Jacob...” Sayid whispered, his face suddenly so sad, as he let Jacob see in his eyes his great injury, his place of unhealed pain, still overwhelming and raw.

“My Sayid,” Jacob answered, his face also sad as he caressed Sayid's face, eye to eye, until the soldier Sayid put his hand over his own eyes, covering a squadron of tears.

 _Men don't cry,_ he heard in his father's voice. "They do..." he said aloud to that long ago tormentor, feeling he still wished to be done with tears. How strange it was to realize he was just beginning.

 

Sayid still could not bear to be touched. Jacob expected this and was careful to follow Sayid's lead in how close they were to each other. He spoke in soothing tones, his movement expected, with no sudden changes. Still he insisted on helping Sayid up when he needed to go into the forest, waiting for his return, helping him to lie down again, minimizing his pain and effort.

Jacob visited the little stream several times a day, bringing to Sayid fresh water in Sayid's funny military cup, something familiar, to give him comfort. He kept Sayid comfortable, sheltered from the wind and the sun. He fed him the strange fruit with no name, and fresh fish and lobster-like crayfish, rubbed with freshly gathered savory herbs and flowers that tasted of lemon.

Jacob had lashed together gathered branches to form a sturdy rack for drying fish, and set about fishing in earnest, already finding the best spots and the best times of day, stopping to smile and call out to the clever corvids that made off with a certain portion of his efforts.

When Sayid called out, Jacob ran to him, comforting him, soothing him with his voice, hugging him gently whenever Sayid took him into his arms.

Three long days had passed, and Jacob could sense that Sayid at last wished to speak about it. He sat quietly next to Sayid at times, knowing this silent waiting and willingness was the beginning of listening.

Sayid began to look about himself, to find again his place in the world. He felt himself slowly put back together inside, rebuilding his emotional reserve and ballast, regaining his trust in life and the world that surrounded him.

 

 _He is ready,_ thought Jacob, sitting with Sayid as the sun was descending, the highest clouds already trimmed with pink. _I love you_ , he said to his mother the sky, enjoying the changes in the air and sounds that began before twilight.

Sayid felt about for the way to begin, grateful for Jacob's devotion, absolutely certain of his presence and intentions.

“I was raped as a child.”

Six words, thought Jacob. They sat in silence again for some time, until the sun touched the water, turning the pinks to burnt orange, the birds black in sharp outline flying along the water's edge.

“A family friend. I loved him....” Sayid lapsed into silence. Jacob waited.

“Tell me,” Jacob whispered back, and Sayid was silent.

“Not yet,” Sayid answered at last.

“Ask me, “ Jacob persisted, and Sayid was moved, closing his eyes for several moments, settling into a deep place of relief, of not finding his way alone.

“Why did your brother do this... to me?” The words were pressured by Sayid's anger and desperate hurt.

“My love, I must ask you first, before I answer,” Jacob said.

“Ask.”

“What did you do to yourself, after you were raped, to make yourself strong?”

Sayid knew immediately what Jacob meant, what he had done as a boy, and what he had continued as a man.

“It is true that I have tortured, I have murdered,” Sayid said calmly, unapologetically. “I have not hidden this from you.”

“And who did you do these things for?” Jacob asked, turning to search Sayid's eyes for the understanding he offered him.

Sayid was silent. _The shame..._ he thought. _I bore the blame. That is what children do. The oldest part of me is this child. I left you for dead..._ he said to that broken child, abandoned, full of fear. _I am so sorry. So sorry._ Sayid realized he had turned away from Jacob, and turned back to him, his eyes askance, allowing him to see Sayid's weakness, his tears from this hurt upon which all other hurts were hung.

 _This is what makes me weak, this is what others use to make me their torturers, their murderers._ Sayid still could not move aside the familiar barrier deep inside himself, covering this poison, keeping it contained. Here, but no further. He saw clearly his true predicament: He could not get to the shame, and it controlled him.

He focused again on Jacob's eyes so close, patient and kind, so beautiful to him, and realized he would lose Jacob if he did not find his way through this challenge. But with Jacob, he would have love, and love was what he lacked, what he had kept away because of the shame.

 _Without love I would stop, I would go back to my own life, no destiny or path other than my own desires, a tool for the evil desires of others,_ he thought. _But what is love? It is a strange substance, always pure, somehow always seeking and essential at the same time._

“Without you, I would be destroyed by this,” Sayid said, and Jacob nodded his head very slightly. Sayid pictured himself the way he had left others, cruelly destroyed by evil and harm, his body left for no one to find, no one to miss, strangers to dispose of it. This certainly would have been his fate, the wages of his form of strength.

“Help me, Jacob...”

Jacob was quiet for a moment, weighing how much he would offer without Sayid asking first, and how this might distract him from his own growing understanding.

“What was the wound that my brother found in you, Sayid?” He asked, knowing the answer, helping Sayid to ask the right questions.

“I was raped as a child,” Sayid repeated, then gasping loudly. Immediately a rush of heat came up through his body, a few moments of release that freed him of a lifetime of guarded, painful adaptation, focusing on how to survive, forsaking the reason, the truth of himself.

“Tell me,” Jacob said, his eyes full of sorrow and hope.

Sayid found himself able to tell, to describe even the worst. He felt himself heavy with feeling as with Jacob's close attention and focus, he was able to open the place of pain and shame. He was overcome, then became lighter as relief and movement slipped into the still and contracted places.

When he finished, Sayid was exhausted, open, certain of the new.

 _He is ready..._ Jacob thought, so happy to be able to tell his lover this.

**“You have chosen me, Sayid.” Sayid was clearly moved by this for his own reasons and looked down for a moment, lost again in his tears.**

“The island is using this wound and the healing of it to make you into what it desires of you. You have chosen. The island has become your place and your story.”

Sayid was silent. “Will you be a part of my story, Jacob?” he asked.

“Yes, Sayid,” Jacob answered, smiling as Sayid smiled, his face changing from concern to delight. _Ohhh,_ Jacob thought. _May I always remember this moment, his face in this moment._


	20. Sayid is back!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Morning of the 14th day  
> Last chapter ended at sunset on the 13th day  
> Jacob gathers some supplies & readies to break camp on the 14th day, returning to the survivors' camp

Jacob had returned from an inland foray, covering the stretch of island between the mountains and the sea, going further and staying longer as he gathered. When he returned, Sayid was walking up and down the beach, choosing a path through the deepest sand to challenge all of his muscles, standing from time to time to stretch and rest before moving again.

 **Days had passed,** and Sayid was beginning to feel strong enough to travel. He had reclaimed a tentative measure of his quiet confidence and curious nature, and sat beside Jacob, watching as Jacob stored harvested fruits and berries with herbs for medicine and seasoning, then sat matting gathered leaves.

Sayid methodically stretched and performed a few military exercises from time to time, feeling the familiar workings of his body mixed with something new and exhilarating, a hint of a new capacity and purpose growing in him, demanding exploration and expression.

They had agreed that it was time to leave their little spot on the beach, and Sayid watched as Jacob prepared their packs, shaking sand out of everything before rolling it up and lashing it together. They both stood for a moment, looking out to sea, feeling the great change in themselves since they had come to this place, remembering for a moment who they were together in this place before moving on.

They shouldered their packs, and Sayid smiling, took Jacob's hand and kissed it lightly, leading him a little ways with it before he let go, as they started up the beach and the way back to the little beach camp of the survivors.

 

“Sayid's back... Sayid's back,” Hurley shouted, running down the beach to greet him, almost knocking him over with his excited hug. Sayid hid the pain this caused him as a little crowd streamed in behind Hurley, all staring at the stranger standing next to Sayid, not sure whether to be excited or concerned.

“Hurley, this is Jacob.” Jacob smiled warmly and accepted Hurley's embrace.

“Dude, were you really a ghost in the cabin?” Hurley asked Jacob.

Jacob smiled, obviously enchanted. “It is so nice to finally be introduced to you, Hurley,” he said. Hurley looked at Jacob closely, then decided he was sincere and turned back to Sayid, keeping pace as the three men started walking again.

“You look different, Sayid,” Hurley said, laughing, dying to tell him about everything that had happened while he was away, but not able to think of anything.

“I _am_ different, Hurley,” Sayid answered. They were moving toward Jack now, who was walking out to meet them.

“Welcome back, Sayid,” Jack said with a smile, immediately noticing the healing circular scabs on Sayid's wrists and the deep scrapes still healing on his face.

“Thank you, Jack,” Sayid said, knowing that Jack had noticed. Jack nodded, and turned to look at Jacob.

“Jack, everyone... please meet Jacob,” Sayid said with obvious affection. Some of the survivors hid giggles, others did not hide their curious looks and knowing smiles as they looked at each other, then back at Sayid and his handsome companion.

“Hello, Jacob.... welcome,” Jack said, shaking Jacob's hand.

“How are you, Sayid? You've been gone awhile,” Jack squeezed Sayid's shoulder as they continued towards the center of camp, walking past the others still standing together, talking to each other about this exciting event. Sayid smiled at everyone as they walked, happy to see them. He had already appraised the condition of the camp, and now looked over each of the camp members, finding everything unchanged and to his satisfaction.

“I am well, Jack, and how are you?” Sayid answered in his formal English.

 _I have got to teach Sayid some contractions and slang words_ , Jack thought to himself, feeling his affection for his friend. Sayid seemed relaxed, with no need to communicate about his injuries. Jack followed his lead and did not ask about them.

Hurley had kept pace, and leaned into Sayid as they walked. “Don't forget the sock on the door,” he said quietly, with knowing excitement, and Sayid glanced at him with a look of pure confusion. Jack pointed subtly towards the beach, his face slightly pained, and Hurley left.

“Jack, we are very tired, and need to rest. I hope you don't mind if we talk some more later,” Sayid announced.

“Of course,” Jack said, remembering how much he liked Sayid's direct, rational nature and consistently sincere approach to life. _Sayid is good..._ he thought.

“Good,” Sayid replied, as they reached Jack's tent, where Jack stopped and Hurley reappeared with a modest lunch for two on a banana leaf, offering it to Sayid, smiling at Jacob. Sayid thanked his friend with a little bow of his head, then wincing, taking the offering with a smile.

As they turned and walked up to his tent, Sayid realized that he was returning home, that they were at his home as they kicked off their shoes, as he reached to untie the flap, peering inside. How different everything looked, though it all looked the same.


	21. Ready to try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit m-m sex
> 
> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> Morning of the 14th day?  
> Morning of the 15th day?  
> Jacob and Sayid make love again for the first time after the rape

Sayid stood frozen at the door to his tent. Jacob stood a little off from him, the basin for washing with the sack of water inside, facing the water, looking out over the waves.

Sayid felt alone again, lost in what happened. _Where is the brother now?_ Sayid felt he could not feel safe again unless he knew where the brother was. _I am becoming wise, with Jacob's wisdom_ , he thought. He had endured an attack on his living energy, the life force from which desires for physical and all intimacies are born, and the survival and continuance of the species are ensured. 

 _I must lay this down_ , he thought, trying to imagine himself completely healed, inside. He answered himself. _It is too big, I am ruined_. Then... _No no... That thought is so old... the thought of a boy._

Sayid was overcome, his hope for a new beginning crushed by his wounds, old and new. It seemed so strange to think that he was the man who had set out from this tent a few days ago. He had lost so much. He felt fresh tears on his cheeks. His hand found the trunk of the tree outside his door, the other hand over his eyes as he wept silently.

Finally Jacob's hand was soft on his shoulder, comforting him.

Sayid felt he had lost the ability to respond to anything, to anyone, even Jacob. How he wanted, needed so much to take Jacob into his embrace, into his bed, their bed... but he still felt so fragile, so unable to take, or give. Twice he had been undone by a tremendous violence done to his body and psyche in a most intimate way. He felt he would never heal. He would lose his Jacob's love. He would die. 

 _Steady... steady... steady..._ he breathed deeply with the soldier's mantra calming inside. He reached again for the flap of the tent, stepping in, standing for a moment as Jacob waited, then holding the flap aside.

The tent smelled musty. They had placed their packs on the floor between them, and Sayid sat on the low bed, rolling up the flap over one of the net windows as Jacob settled into the little chair next to the door flap. Outside it began to rain, though the sun still shone where they were. As Sayid turned his face to the window, Jacob was treated to the stunning beauty of Sayid's deep brown eyes as they caught the light.

They sat listening to the rain patter on the tent and in the trees as Sayid felt his way to what was next. He felt a surge of love for Jacob, who was now taking his cue from Sayid in everything between them, and giving him complete control over their interactions. He had noticed that Jacob continued to be very careful about how he touched Sayid, ready at any time to withdraw if Sayid seemed alarmed or uncomfortable.

 _I will not push myself,_ he thought, taking Jacob's lead. This helped him to relax into the questions, to not have to have an answer to his pain.

Sayid lay back on his little bed, looking out at the dripping trees near his tent, enjoying the presence of Jacob without the need to talk. He felt safe in his tent, so familiar and private. The camp was his home, and he had enjoyed many successes and pleasures here, many with the other survivors who loved and looked after him, as he looked after them. This feeling of safety seemed to click into place at last, and Sayid turned his head to smile at Jacob, who lifted his eyes to return Sayid's gaze.

After a time, Sayid felt ready to try. He looked at Jacob, who remained completely relaxed, smiling his little enigmatic smile. Like the Mona Lisa, Sayid though, laughing to himself, feeling a little smile playing upon his own face.

Lifting his arm, he scooted over a little. Jacob waited for a moment, then stayed low as he came over to the bunk, where Sayid welcomed him onto his place on the bed beside him, and they rolled together gently as they found their way back to each other physically.

They lay face to face then, creating the little world of intimacy between them with the warmth of moist breath shared and the magical language of touch combined with changes in their breathing as they caressed one another lightly, feeling very close in spirit once again.

Jacob lifted his hand to Sayid's face, and Sayid closed his eyes as Jacob's gentle hand glided over his cheek and ear and into his hair, pushing the heavy curls back a little from his face, carefully tracing his injuries, lightly petting him over and over, relaxing him. Sayid was willing at last to do nothing but accept Jacob's affection and simple pleasuring. He felt as though he had reached a deep place of openness to Jacob that was ecstatic in a very calm and steady way, a continuous pleasure that he seemed to be soaking in, gentle and insistent as the healing rain. _What are you, Jacob?_ he thought, feeling trust returning a little more each moment.

Sayid felt some places deep inside coming back together, torn apart by shock and pain, mixing again as the essence of him. _He can heal me_ , he thought. _I will be healed._

Eventually Jacob's hand stilled and they lay together with their foreheads touching, enjoying the clean comfort and intimacy of Sayid's bed and his tent, and the quiet of the camp in the rain.

 _We are still new lovers,_ Sayid thought, his eyes closed, a promise of ecstatic pleasure enough to roll through him in subtle, yet distinct waves, pulling him under with an exquisite and effortless focusing of his mind. He could not remember ever feeling so much pleasure from togetherness, or staying so close around someone while falling in love.

Without deciding to do it, Sayid put his hand behind Jacob's head, and Jacob opened his eyes as Sayid pulled him gently to him, their lips meeting, sweet and salty his lover's taste, soft lips, teeth like treasures, his tongue a delicious delicacy.

Sayid stopped. His mouth stung with salt. His mind became clouded with pain. He closed his eyes as Jacob withdrew and averted his gaze. Sayid was not ready. He had decided he was, but he was not.

Sayid rolled back and dozed while Jacob watched over him, willing him to feel safe. Later Sayid awoke, ravenous, and remembered the gift of food from the camp, tasteless compared to Jacob's cooking, but welcomed in their hunger. Eating helped Sayid to feel normal again.

It was evening then. They went into the forest, then returned to their same spots on the bed. As they lay on Sayid's little bunk, pressed against each other in a perfect fit, Sayid let his mind wander, and began idly humming his soldier's song, playing with the zipper on the tent flap. The rain came and went, and the fragrance of it filled him, a so familiar scent that had followed him through all of his years. He felt some deeper places in him letting go at last as he slipped back into the widening boundaries of his full awareness, relaxing into what he was and what he knew.

Hours later, Sayid awoke, breathing in the scent of Jacob, wanting him, barely visible next to him in the darkness. He lay in the dark, then drifted back to sleep.

 

In the morning, Jacob retrieved a jug of water and new leaves of ample food at the door, and they relished a true feast after days with little food.

Jacob had taken his seat in the little chair by the door flap, and he seemed to be meditating with eyes closed and relaxed, with a long, straight back and even breathing. Sayid slept again, then found Jacob still this way when he awoke. Hours passed.

Finally, Sayid was laying on his back, tracing the familiar designs in the top of the tent with his mind. Without thinking to, he looked at Jacob, and found him watching him. Sayid sat up on one arm, moving over slightly. He slid his other arm around Jacob's shoulders as he came to lay beside Sayid, hugging him closely, loving him. He turned Jacob onto his back. He turned to close the flap over the little window, then gave himself to kissing Jacob, carefully, then rolling partly onto him, pressing against him as he tested himself, then offered himself to their embrace, to the one who loved him, who had sat beside him, waiting for Sayid to want him again.

Jacob closed his eyes, his face gentle and soft. Sayid kissed Jacob's face and hair, his lips and neck as he undid Jacob's shirt, slipping his hand into the smooth warmth underneath, pushing the worn fabric aside. He was moved to a long exhale as he brought his lips to Jacob's chest, white as chalcedony, lingering on his pale nipples and following the little trail of golden hair down to his stomach.

Jacob was very sensitive, and his stomach muscles jumped slightly, his breath changing audibly in the stillness. Sayid was thrilled, a heat rising through him that he communicated by focused, but unhurried activity as he opened Jacob's pants, sitting up to look down at Jacob. Feeling sure, he slowly pulled Jacob's pants off, sitting between his legs, running his hands upon Jacob's thighs and up his body, then back down to his thighs, looking down at him so beautiful in the semi-darkness, his shirt open and his hands soft at his hips, his head moving a little as he accepted Sayid's pleasuring.

 _He is so beautiful... like a god_ , Sayid thought, then moving back a little, he caressed the insides of Jacob's legs, his hands moving upward, his fingers sliding gently into that dark fold _below_ where his legs met, then back onto his thighs, checking himself again, looking around his tent at what was familiar and safe. _I am here, I am this_ , Sayid thought.  _I can love again._

He moved his hands back to the crease of Jacob's legs, tenderly lifting his genitals slightly. Jacob moaned with pleasure.

 _I am safe now_ , Sayid thought. _We are safe now_ , he told himself, the boy inside, the oldest part of him. _Yes_.

Sayid leaned down and breathed a long hot breath upon Jacob's penis and testicles, enjoying their moist odor, then nuzzled his erect penis, licking it lightly. He licked the spot just below the glans, pressing it slightly with his tongue, then slipped the tip into his mouth, holding it there, sharing his moisture and warmth with a firm, unmoving pressure.

Jacob moaned a complaint at this teasing, but did not reach to Sayid, allowing him to slowly push down, then slowly up again, so slowly, Jacob needing to go faster, but Sayid not changing his speed, focusing instead on pressing his lips _around_ , a firm pressure that did not waver.

Jacob was slowly, surely coming undone from the inside, arching into Sayid, turning slightly, bound into place by a hypnotic pleasure, wanting all of Sayid, to curl around him, take him in, taste his essence, enter his place of secrets, find the places that waited for his discovery and touch alone.

Sayid answered his passion with his tongue, taking delight in swirling it around the shaft as he moved up and down upon it, keeping his lips tight as he pleasured Jacob as he wished to be pleasured, as Jacob would pleasure him when they were tender and close. For they were lovers.

Jacob became very still, his curved back strung in place like a bow as he arched tightly... then drifted so gently over the top of a great ascending wave of released pleasure, following it over and down into wave after wave of pleasure rolling through him, over him, on him, like waves on the shore.

 _Do not call out, do not call out_ , thought Jacob as he called out at his peak, then finished in silence, Sayid moving up to hold him, grasping him and so carefully finishing him with his hand, pressing against Jacob as he moved upon the bed, Sayid embracing and containing his beautiful dance of pleasure.

They were still at last, flung together by their ecstasy, a settling embrace of their bodies and minds as still as the hush of the rain, thinking of nothing, feeling their love grow.  


	22. Sock on the door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> 15th day? having returned to camp in the morning the previous morning

They dozed together for hours, listening to the rain come and go, enjoying the soft, clean bed. They attacked the remainder of the food, feeding each other, finding the food to be extra delicious. Licking their fingers, Jacob took Sayid's fingers into his mouth, a slow sensual moment of passion that flowed into hours, their afternoon quiet, their talk quiet, with spaces of no talking. "Pillow talk with a real pillow," Sayid had attempted his take on an English idiom, mangling the words somewhat with his accent, and Jacob imitated him, both of them suddenly laughing like boys, mocking each other with gentle but furtive grabbing and lurching, pretend loving, laughing and surprise in their eyes at how this too was a new kind of intimacy.

Sayid rose in spite of Jacob's loud protests, putting on his pants and slipping out to bring back water for bathing. He came back with the wet burlap bag he used for this, pouring the water into a basin outside the door, then bringing the basin in, smiling at the looks he had observed from those who were walking about the camp, all suddenly slowing to look his way.

Sayid placed the basin next to the bed, then playfully pushed Jacob back down, stirring the fresh water with a soft, worn cloth, then set about cleaning and bathing him. He was very thorough, putting his hand behind Jacob's neck to pull him up and gently cleanse his face, neck and ears, dipping again and again, turning and folding Jacob to wash his back. He enjoyed gently washing his genitals, still sensitive, blowing on them, knowing this made them tingle with pleasure. He found a new cloth, and pulling it dripping from the basin, pulled it over and through Jacob's hair, then scrubbed his hair wildly, enjoying making Jacob laugh. _Like a son_ , Sayid thought, feeling a paternal protectiveness that he reserved for those he most loved. He thought of Hurley, and smiled with affection.

Sayid lay Jacob back down again, with the direct confidence and persuasion of a man taught to lead and be led, smiling down at Jacob's fair body, so near in the dark tent. Taking another cloth, he slowly dried Jacob, enjoying his relaxed look of open pleasure as he enjoyed the sensual feeling of his body glowing and clean, and being rubbed lovingly.

Sayid then set about to bathe himself, turning to the basin and the task, his demeanor changing as he assumed the efficient, practiced movements of a soldier who was used to such arrangements.

It was clear that neither of them wished to go out from the tent, but were perhaps newlyweds, having found their way to each other, now putting each other at the center of their lives, and communicating this to each other without words, without ceremony, without the witness of others or the obligations of joined status.

“Hello,” said a familiar voice at the door. They looked at each other with frozen delight, then lapsed into barely contained laughter.

“Hello... Sayid?” Claire scratched on the canvas part of the makeshift tent.

“Hello Claire,” Sayid answered without moving.

“Hi Sayid... hi Jacob... I brought you some food.”

“Leave it by the door, Claire,” Sayid said. “You are very nice, and we thank you.”

“Thank you, Claire,” Jacob added.

“Most of us think it's okay, you know, for you two....” Claire trailed off, obviously wanting to communicate her happiness for them, but tripping over her words.

“We know, Claire,” Sayid answered. “Now please go away.”

They were laughing again, and Sayid was so happy to be laughing, to feel safe, to not be hurting, to feel at home in Jacob's arms again. He still felt fragile, but he also noticed how soft he felt, tender in a good way, which was baffling, baffling that it was so easy, and felt so good.

The pair had found the best way to share the tiny bed, and fought the need to get up, but Sayid finally crawled down and over the bottom of the bed, reaching out the door, feeling around for Claire's kind present. He pulled it in, and seeing one of his old socks in his cubby, he pulled it out and dropped it outside on the ground, right in front of the door flap.

They sat up, devouring the food with great bites and the noisy sounds of men focusing on food with no women nearby, suddenly very hungry, the food gone in minutes. When they lay back with sighs of happy contentment, finding their places again, they could hear people calling out to each other and the friendly sounds of conversation in the cooler air of evening.

At twilight they pulled on their pants and went into the trees, finding the latest designated area for men to visit, and walked a little ways into the thick jungle, enjoying the fresh air, cool on their shirtless bodies as they stretched and walked about a little, enjoying the outward change in focus after hours of intimate focus on each other.

“I will show you something,” Sayid said, quiet in the growing darkness.


	23. Now we can be together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Evening and night of the 14th day (the day returned to camp)
> 
> Sayid finds his way back to Jacob, and they are rejoined. They passed the test.

They reached the little place between two trees, and Sayid slipped between them, turning to catch a hint of Jacob's silhouette in the fading light as he entered the hidden place surrounded by several trees, all with trunks and limbs grown into an almost joined circle.

It was completely dark, and with a moist, close silence. Sayid guided Jacob onto the raised place to sit, then sat next to him, leaning back to look up at the bright stars framed by the trees growing outward from each other, seeking the light.

Jacob could just catch the scent of the _neem_ flowers nearby, an intoxicating fragrance enhanced by the closeness of the little place of hiding, secret and mysterious.

Sayid's hands found Jacob's face and he pulled their lips together very gently, kissing so softly at first, then deeper and more insistent, then resting their foreheads together, they seemed to fall into one another in the darkness, no longer limited by their separate bodies.

They sat back at last, drifting on the heat of kissing, floating in the darkness, finding their own breath and thoughts, when Sayid felt it begin. He was flooded with the memories, which he had pushed away when they first entered his secret _mihrab_ , where he felt enclosed and embraced by an inner secret place that he could not name.

“Jacob,” he whispered, fear in his voice, and Jacob flinched, then turned to him, knowing the sound and the source.

Sayid fell into him, then suddenly pushed him away, onto the ground, then arching back, he dropped his head back against the tree to look up at the stars, fighting with himself without a sound for a time.

“Why did you not come to me, Jacob?” He said finally, his jaw tight as he fought his fear and pain, turning them into anger. He looked back down, feeling Jacob so near in the darkness.

_Here, always here, always now..._

Sayid wanted to choose the words that went with his weakness, his fear of the brother... _I fear him... I want to injure him, maim him._ But instead he said what he wanted to believe, what he wanted to hear from Jacob. He needed to _know_...

“He will never hurt you again... he will never hurt you...” was Jacob's fierce promise.

 _If I harm the brother, I will lose him,_  Sayid thought, thinking of Jacob alone again, living without him because Sayid had chosen his anger over their love.

They were silent. Jacob finally spoke, his voice reaching out, wanting his words to somehow help. “Sayid, he will not come to you that way ever again, that will never happen to you again.”

“That is not enough,” Sayid said loudly. _It is enough_ , he thought, though he did not know why.

“Does he hurt you, Jacob?”

“No,” Jacob stated flatly. "He has played a certain role. He has been changed also."

“I cannot stay myself if he hurts you.” Sayid's anger was burning, burning down, slipping under, roaring through to the hurt and fear which had claimed him at last, after so many years of pretense and denial.

 _I am released because of this brother,_  he realized. _Somehow I know... it is true that he never hurts my Jacob._

“Why did you not come to me, Jacob?” Sayid quietly whispered with a broken sound, as though he did not expect an answer, and Jacob felt his heart breaking for Sayid, for what he endured alone as a boy. Sayid was lost in something much greater than his entire life.

He wanted so badly to reach out to Sayid, to caress and comfort him, but he did not touch him. _Mother_ , Jacob prayed to her, the sea... _I want to take this pain away, then:_   _I will not. I will not lose him._

“Sayid...” he said with great love.

“I am here,” Sayid finally answered.

 _Begin again..._ Jacob struggled inside for the words. Sayid was lost in something much greater than his entire life.

“Do you want to be with me, Sayid?” Jacob challenged him a little, to find his words, to find a way through his feelings.

“You know that I do.” Sayid was at last allowing the pain, greater than it, holding it, his voice deeper, clear and sharp.

“If I came to you, if I pulled him off of you, threw myself on you, protected you...” Jacob's voice changed, “...you would still have a darkness inside of you. You would have to leave this place, leave me.”  _How can I help him? What can I say?_ Jacob fought the thought, the possibility Sayid might not move on, and must leave, and they would not be one.

“Sayid, my love...” Jacob's voice broke, and he showed Sayid his own feelings at last, “I wanted to come to you... oh, how I wanted... Sayid... I had to hide, to close myself off from it. Choosing not to come to you is the hardest thing I have ever done.”

Jacob heard the emotions in his own voice, and opened to his own hurt, slipping down inside, past his self-control to his own strong feelings.

 _Understand, my love..._ Jacob prayed.

“I know that you were torn down, Sayid, torn apart. I have never known of such brutality. Only my brother can know what is required. He chose to test you in this extreme way, a way only he could accomplish. That is why there are two of us... brothers, so different,” he added, waiting for Sayid to decide to listen, to want to listen.

“Our love is great, Sayid,” Jacob began again, moving beyond explanations, his voice commanding, soft with feeling. “It is the greater part of the test. Without it, the test would mean nothing.”

_He will understand this._

Sayid felt something change in him, and looked up again at the small circle of night sky. _I can see the stars move,_ he thought, then, _My life is turning so quickly, I can see what I am made of, where I am going._

 _Our love is great..._ he heard Jacob's words in his mind. And somehow Jacob's voice had become more important to Sayid than anything else in this life. Jacob gave him something that was worth the price, the horror he had endured. _Perhaps_... No, he knew this. There was no question.

And so, he thought, upon the earth somehow spinning under distant stars. _I will._ Sayid chose Jacob again. He chose to face the horrors done to him, and horrors he did to others, to rise up to it all, taking it in, making it his. He chose love.

 _I accept this,_ he said inside, feeling his life touch the stars. Immediately he felt an incredible warmth and release rush through him, an impossible moment of almost total healing, taking all of his feelings, making them into a calm strength, beautiful and wild.

 _The Island...._ he thought, beginning to sense the centuries old power that was so vital and strong as  _this_   _place._

“I accept this,” he said aloud, not sure of the words, or even the question, only of loving Jacob, who reached out to him at last, grasping his arm so lightly, sitting below him in the darkness.

Jacob had heard Sayid's quick inhalation, then his soft words of acceptance, and was flooded with relief, his feelings and fear for Sayid now answered, knowing Sayid's pain would now heal, and they could move on. _Once again,_ he thought. _Sayid, my true brother, my love._

Sayid reached out, finding and gently grasping Jacob's hands, pulling him up to him.

“I am sorry, my love... how I love you...” Sayid spoke very softly at Jacob's ear, encircling him with his arms. There was a delicious moment of silence between them as Jacob's heart leaped at these words, the first time he had heard them from Sayid's lips.

“I know that you love me,” Jacob answered as the two men grasped each other tightly, so grateful for the kindness of loving.

“I am here, Jacob,” Sayid said, kissing Jacob's forehead, stroking his hair, comprehending at last the pain Jacob had endured for him by staying away.

“I am here, Sayid,” Jacob promised, his voice warm with a hard-won contentment. He stepped back slightly, his hands on Sayid's shoulders.

 _How delicious it is..._ Jacob thought _...to smile alone in the darkness so close to you._ He felt the satisfaction of success, of doing what he was made to do, what the mother chose him for, and the island had mastered in him.

“We have passed the test,” he said, their hands joined in affection. 

What does he mean? thought Sayid, and though he waited, Jacob did not explain.

“Now we can be together,” Jacob said simply.

 

 

 

They returned to Sayid's tent, 

 

Later, they made love on the little bunk, sharing sweat and passion, a dance of love that pushed them further, giving more, taking more from each other, burning away the edges of what was left between them, a dance as a mirror of each other, rising and falling together on their shared passion, again and again.

In the middle of the night, Sayid drifted up from sleep, realizing that Jacob was also awake, and touching each other with love, interlacing their fingers, made a quiet promise joining their hearts with the silent vows that made them one.


	24. A wedding gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Morning of the 16th day - Sayid tells Jack of his new home with Jacob at the beach of the sentinel (just after the long beach)  
> The survivors give Sayid and Jacob a blanket they made for them
> 
> Jacob and Sayid spend two days in the tent  
> morning of 14th day - return to camp  
> evening of 14th day - circle of trees  
> 15th day - honeymooning  
> morning of the 16th day - the survivors give Sayid and Jacob the handmade quilt

“Hello Kate...” Sayid said with a smile. “Hello, Sayid,” she answered, smiling broadly. Sayid was stretching and blinking in the bright sun after spending the two days honeymooning in his tent. Kate laughed, and Sayid enjoyed her obvious affection.

“Hello Jack... I would like to speak with you.” _Why is she laughing,_ Sayid thought, laughing a little himself. _Of course, I know why..._

“Of course,” Jack smiled at Kate, turning to walk with Sayid down the beach. Sayid looked different, open and soft in a way very different than his usual serious, methodical approach to each situation.

“It is good to see you again,” Jack teased just a little, enjoying it immensely that somber Sayid's eyes sparkled, that serious Sayid gave Jack _a look._

“Jack, I am going to live with Jacob. I would like to keep my tent... to have two homes.”

“Well, I could see this coming,” Jack said, still smiling, though he had a more serious tone. “We will miss you here when you are away.”

“I will be at the beach of the sentinel,” Sayid confided. “This is not secret, but I would prefer if you didn't announce the location of our home. Perhaps you could mention the long beach as our home, the one on this side of the sentinel?”

“Not a problem,” Jack said. “How shall I contact you if I need you?”

“The very small beach behind the sentinel, a hidden cave up the steep rocks. Please come any time if you should need me. Leave word if we are not there.”

“I will,” Jack was relieved to know where Sayid was going.

“Good.” Sayid looked around. “I am happy to keep my place here, to do my part. Just let me know.”

“It's a deal,” Jack said in his usual upbeat manner, clasping Sayid's shoulder, then turning with him to walk back into camp.

Hurley appeared, moving quickly towards them, starting to talk before he had quite arrived. “Okay, Sayid,” he said, excited. “Some of us have made you something, it's kind of a wedding present.”

Sayid was delighted, watching Hurley working his magic, always a joy when he was enjoying himself, which was most of the time.

Hurley took Sayid's hand and dragged him up the beach. “I'm coming,” Sayid protested, but Hurley did not let go.

Hurley led him up, away from the beach, into the center of camp. Several of the survivors were standing together, and smiled broadly when Sayid appeared. Claire was holding something, and she offered it to Sayid.

“It's a blanket, sort of a quilt we made for you, and for Jacob,” she said, proud and happy.

Sayid was moved, and took the quilt, soft and clean, a montage of fabrics sewn together with obvious care and love, enclosing more precious cloth as a lining. In one corner, someone had made a heart of deep red fabric.

Sayid looked around at everyone's happy faces, accepting their love. “Thank you,” he said, feeling blessed and happy. “Thank you so much.”

“Please tell Jacob we made it for him too,” Claire instructed.

“I will,” Sayid said. “I certainly will.”


	25. Now I understand (shaktipat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES - Shaktipat
> 
> [Last chapter ended on am of 16th day]

“Sayid, my love, I wish to stop for a moment before we continue home,” Jacob said as they were well away from the camp, and had relaxed into a feeling of purpose and companionship, enjoying movement and a change in their surroundings. Sayid felt his strength returning with every step at Jacob's side, each step closer to Jacob's home and their bed. How would it seem to him now?

They had reached the top of the next ridge, and stopped to view this part of the large island surrounded by the ocean so pleasingly round and exact, fully resting under the air in a huge semi-circle spanning the long expanse of horizon.

“Tell me,” Sayid finally said, using their favorite answer for conversation serious and funny, enjoyed often as a private joke, a sort of _now what...?!?_

“I will show you, if you will trust me.”

“Oh. Now what?” Sayid complained in jest, and Jacob laughed.

They climbed to a little rocky outcropping, shaded, where they dropped their packs, pulling out their water bottles as they sat next to each other, men accomplishing travel, wiping sweat, drinking with pleasure away from the hot sun.

“Jacob...”

“Yes, my love.”

“Will you please tell me, where..." Sayid's voice was suddenly low, "....where is he?” Jacob had as yet refused to answer, and this confused Sayid. “At least tell me why you will not answer me,” Sayid demanded gently.

Jacob was looking out over the sea, his hand on Sayid's knee. He turned to Sayid with admiration in his eyes. “Do not think of him, Sayid. You cannot see him again until you separate him from what happened." They sat against each other, feeling the warmth of love shared where their arms touched, each remembering a time of being changed by love.

When they stood again, Jacob put his hand on Sayid's shoulder and squeezed it, finding the words. "You will understand what my brother gave and what he endured, Sayid. But focusing on this now will distract you with things that have already been accomplished.  **We have new things to accomplish together.” Jacob was pleased with Sayid's eager gaze, taking it in with a look of admiration and pride. **"**** _He is always ready, always prepared_ , Jacob thought. _Always_.

“Tell me,” Sayid insisted, waiting, hoping that Jacob would answer another question, for often he did not answer even one.

Silence. Sayid waited.

 _Now_.... Jacob thought.

Jacob turned his head, giving his eyes fully to Sayid, and for a single moment Sayid saw him, not as a man, but as a glowing creature of light and liquid movement, endless constellations spinning apart in a great expanse of endless space... a presence framed by a tiny door, opening, made from Jacob's perfect white teeth, a sacred temple that opened and took Sayid in, warm and close in a darkly liquid, sparkling cave, swallowing him, soaking him with love, pouring through him as the endless tides of time, pouring him, with him to their source.

And Sayid was lost, falling, falling into Jacob's eyes, saying _yes,_  accepting passage into a new, ancient world, ferried upon his lover's heart, captivated as everything around him sparkled a timeless, yet personal welcome. Everything.

 _So... so... so... beautiful,_ he thought... as he looked around at the light, rising on the feelings that had opened in him, currents of ether rushing past him, through him, as though he was lifting off from all that was known, taking flight.

 _I have always wanted this... exactly this..._ he sang inside as he let himself be changed by a single, profound moment.

There was a strange vibration, a flutter that seemed to come from a place that opened next to his ear, bringing him back, and then it was as before. He was sitting next to Jacob, surrounded by the scents and sounds of the living jungle, looking into his lover's kind, ancient eyes.

On he sailed upon the unbounded sea in Jacob's eyes, still freely offered to him, filled with pure love and bliss.

So slowly sound was coming back to him then. "Now I understand,” Sayid said at last, strange words that he had waited a lifetime to speak, though they were only the beginning. **“My Jacob... your brother has offered me to you, has given me to you. He did all of this for you.”**

**“Yes, my love," Jacob said, always riding an unseen wave of purest bliss, a place Sayid could now touch in him, and inside of himself... _this world inside..._ where Jacob's voice was the reason for his longing _._** **“Only my brother could know this, how to make you mine, my love. He is free, now. He has served the Island in this way. When he comes to you now, you will have already understood. He will come. He will seek us.”**

**Sayid was silent, still unsure. _I am not ready..._ he thought, not wanting such a reunion, though he no longer feared it. _I will never be overcome again._**


	26. I will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES  
> More of the 16th day, at the top of the first ridge after the survivors' camp
> 
> “Our island, yes...” Jacob began for him, answering one question of many. “This is the peak at northwest, it holds my treasures. It guards my true home. I am bringing you to my home, Sayid, if you will come with me.”  
> Jacob reached to Sayid, his eyes sparkling with fun and play. How delightful it is to share again, to love again, he thought as he placed his hand over Sayid's eyes for a long moment, then lifted it away.  
> Sayid felt the difference before he saw it, the cool of shade and the smell of fresh water, mossy and sweet.  
> They sat beside a beautiful stream, large, flowing to the sea, the beach and the sea a presence framed by the thick jungle growth here. Sayid somehow touched the water in his mind, and it filled him in an instant, light and sweet as fresh honey.  
> “This is my home,” Jacob said, his joy overflowing, to see his love in this special place. “I am wealthy beyond any measure.”

Sayid remained captive, held by Jacob's blue, blue eyes, and the love he found there, an endless, emanating presence made of bliss.

 _The god is mine..._ he thought, as he slipped out of his mind, suddenly very small, tossed on the currents of a moment greater than all that had come before it, his life.

Finally, Jacob turned his head slightly, looking out to sea.

Sayid looked around at a completely new and strange place, somehow unconcerned, but also thrilled. _Is this the same island?_ He thought.

They were now at a seemingly unattainable height, able to see the great sweep of island and the water surrounding it to the great circle of the horizon, the island a curving white band of beach notched with occasional ridges, the low, dark arms of the island reaching into the sea, and with the sharp, curved and sweeping border between sea and sky beyond. The sky with its impossible shade of blue, clouds and clouds like many ships sailing upon finely shaped currents of air, a vast flotilla somehow moving well above the water, appearing almost below them here.

Sayid was silent, becoming something new, his thoughts beyond words, beyond sound and comprehension.

When Sayid felt that words would not take away... he felt the great space between the two men become small and intimate once more, so that he felt his mind settle upon the newly defined channels of his being.

_I have always wanted this... exactly this..._

Sayid felt that every moment of his life had arrived at the same time, many threads woven into an undulating curtain between two worlds, a grand design for a simple task: play the part of one among many, the reality hidden, only one.... one without second, God as himself, partaking of the play as Sayid.

“Jacob...” Sayid said, his voice sounding strange to him, profoundly relaxed.

“My love,” Jacob answered.

Sayid was still unsure how to begin the task of speaking again, and set himself about choosing a random place to begin.

“Our island, yes...” Jacob began for him, answering one question of many. “This is the peak at northwest, it holds my treasures. It guards my true home. I am bringing you to my home, Sayid, if you will come with me.”

“I will,” Sayid said without hesitation, a flowing feeling inside, his love for Jacob moving in him like endless waves, finding him, heavy liquid movement, unmistakeable and purely satisfying, quenching the seeking, quenching the source of seeking, desire.

Jacob reached to Sayid, his eyes sparkling with fun and play. _How delightful it is to share love, to be love... every time anew,_ he thought as he placed his hand over Sayid's eyes for a long moment, then lifted it away.

Sayid felt the difference before he saw it, the cool of shade and the smell of fresh water, mossy and sweet.

They sat beside a beautiful stream, large, flowing to the sea, the beach and the sea a presence framed by the thick jungle growth here. Sayid somehow touched the water in his mind, and it filled him in an instant, light and sweet as fresh honey.

“This is my home,” Jacob said, his joy overflowing to see his love in this special place. “I am wealthy beyond any measure," he shared his love of home aloud with Sayid. 


	27. Like me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> More of the 16th day
> 
> undulating with a subtle passion, communicating his love in this way as Sayid was claimed by the source of the water.  
> Sayid turned to Jacob, who was also turning, lifting their eyes to the place where the stream came down from the forest.

Jacob looked up into the thick jungle. He seemed to have come alive, seeing everything anew through Sayid's eyes as he looked around at his little Eden.

“This stream comes from a hidden place...” he said, turning back to Sayid, “that only my brother and I can see... unless you are like me.”

 _What does he mean... like me?_ Sayid thought, waiting for Jacob to continue.

“Let's enjoy the cool water,” Jacob suggested, standing, stretching as he pulled his shirt over his head, untying and slipping out of his pants. He turned to watch Sayid, enchanted as Sayid leisurely slipped out of his sandals, his shirt flowing off of his shoulders and arms, his pants slipping down over his hips as he stepped out of them, his mass of curls swinging and bouncing as he moved.

Jacob turned, and stood beside the stream for a minute, his eyes closed, his lips moving with no sound. He opened his eyes and stepped into the clear water flowing gently under the dark green of the trees, the surface dark and silky, so that the water seemed to be folding on itself like glass.

Sayid was still floating inside, each breath a beginning, each moment a ripple in an endless pool of liquid pleasure. Jacob reached for Sayid's hand, leading him lovingly into the water, a place where the stream fell over a large rock into a small pool before flowing away to his mother, the sea. Jacob sat upon the rock, to the side a little, so the water rushed past him, flowing over his leg into the little pool, still holding Sayid's hand, supporting him as he stepped into the middle of the pool, then guiding him down into it.

He carefully laid Sayid into the water, his hands under his arms, holding Sayid's head on his lap as Jacob also settled down into the water just above him. Sayid was submerged in the cool water up to his shoulders, and sighed as the current played on his skin, flowing about his genitals, soothing his tired feet. Jacob tilted Sayid's head back, one hand under his head, carefully dipping his hair into the water, letting it soak there for a moment, floating like a mass of dark seaweed in the clear water. Then he grasped Sayid's hair behind his head, holding him with it.

Sayid had felt his world shrink with a sensual _whoosh_ as the water went over his ears, and he could hear the delightful splunking sounds of the water gently plunging and dancing to them and away.

Jacob moved very slowly, gently touching, then holding Sayid's nose, then carefully dipped Sayid's face into the water, letting Sayid rest there for a moment, completely submerged.

Jacob closed his eyes for this moment, feeling the ache in his heart from years of loneliness, so that he cried a little, one little sob from the old pain, borne for many years. “I offer what has been given,” he said to the water, and so, to the sea.

He lifted Sayid's head, waiting as the water trickled off of Sayid's face, smiling down upon him as Sayid slowly opened his eyes, his ears above water once more. Sayid blinked up at him, accepting his love, feeling it opening him, filling him, softening him, so that he relaxed into his lover, laying his head on his lap and arm, then letting it fall to the side as he drifted again on the unseen current.

Jacob caressed him, pulling against him, the water flowing over them, watching so beautiful their bodies moving against each other, deep brown and creamy white in the clear, flowing water.

“I love you, Sayid,” he said. He did not allow Sayid to move or turn. “Let me hold you...” he said quietly, and Sayid relaxed again, feeling the all over tingle from the cool water, closing his eyes and floating on the current, Jacob's hands steady under his arms.

Jacob played on the current with Sayid's body, lifting him, feeling the flow under him before he let him down slightly and he sank just enough, so that the water flowed over him again. He did this over and over, varying slightly, until Sayid was completely relaxed, given over to him entirely, and perfectly content in himself, deep inside.

After a time, Jacob slipped under him, finding the little rocks at the end of the pool, bracing his feet there as he let his own head fall back, feeling the cool water on his hair. He let his face dip lightly in and out of the water as he lifted Sayid on the current, onto his own body, loving him with his whole body, slipping against him, floating under, then raising again to slide and curve into him, **undulating with a subtle passion, communicating his love in this way as Sayid was claimed by the source of the water.**

They gave themselves to each other, floating, floating together, Jacob's hands still under Sayid's arms, his legs under him, holding him up as they lay together for a time.

When Jacob very gently made the tiniest beginning of sitting up, still holding Sayid as he moved very slowly, he let Sayid move first as they folded into themselves, sitting for a time, then water running off of their bodies as they stood, the air distinctly warm and delicious against their wet and cold skin.

Sayid turned to Jacob, who was also turning, lifting their eyes to the place where the stream came down from the forest. Sayid put his arms around Jacob's broad shoulders, stretching against him, resting his body against his back, resting his forehead against his neck and shoulders. He heard Jacob whispering, and enjoyed his sense of wonder at loving a man who was so much more, mysterious and forever kind.

They stepped out of the water, and standing on the soft soil next to the stream, they put their foreheads together, eyes closed, still drifting, listening to each other breathe, their arms around each other.

At last turned towards the sea, taking up their clothes and walking towards the beach, clothed in bliss, naked in the sudden sunlight.


	28. Welcome at last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES
> 
> Still the 16th day
> 
> “Welcome, Sayid. Welcome at last to my home.”

Two men emerged from the trees into the sandy dunes between beach and forest, protecting the forest from the salty sea. They were unclothed, and appeared very different from each other, one with pale white skin and blonde hair, the other with golden brown skin and black hair. Both were of slight build, with finely made bodies muscular and strong with the health of middle-age.

The day was mild, with a little breeze off of the sea, and with the gentle sunlight so slightly blurred a translucent white by the humid air.

Sayid breathed deep, enjoying how the island climate suited his body. Moving between the inland pockets of sleepy, sun-warmed air and the crisp sea breeze of the beaches gave him a feeling of relaxing into what was best for his body, the best combination of baking warmth and pervasive, ever moving moisture.

He shook his hair, now pulling upwards into a massive pile of curls as it began to dry. His hair was never fully dry here, and so was exceptionally curly all of the time, except when it was in water.

Jacob also breathed deep, blissful, happy to be home, squinting as he glanced occasionally at Sayid, ecstatic to be bringing his beloved Sayid to his home at last.

Sayid followed Jacob through the dunes and out onto a little crescent beach at the back of a little cove with arms of rock coming up from the sea, embracing the beach. The breeze was a little stronger here, sounding in the nearby trees with a magical, undulating whisper.

Jacob stood looking towards the sea, feeling that Sayid had turned to him, watching him closely.

 _He is about to...?_  Sayid thought, not knowing what.

Jacob whispered, and Sayid watched as the entire beach became translucent, with another world showing through, all of it fluttering like the finest silk in a slight breeze.

Sayid was still floating in a mystical state. He looked through to this other world, and saw an island from above, intrigued by its physical size and pattern on the sea.

As he turned his eyes back to Jacob, eyes wide, he felt himself questioning again his perception of him, curious in his heightened state of hope and grace. Jacob appeared no different, but as he looked into Sayid's eyes with his own bluest blue, he seemed to show Sayid the passing of time there, so that he saw ages passing away in eyes.

 _What are you..?_   Sayid's mind could only make these few words.

Jacob lifted his hand to Sayid's face, caressing his cheek. He turned to look out to sea, and Sayid also turned. The island image was gone.

“Come,” he said, taking Sayid's hand protectively, walking lightly on the sand towards the other side of the cove, stopping at the wall of steep rocks there.

Jacob motioned with his hand, and an archway appeared in the rock, a passage into the trees visible just beyond. Still holding Sayid's hand, they walked through and onto this path, still carrying their clothes, the rocks to their left became a low ridge like a wall, reaching over them against the blue sky. At the end of the little trail, with trees overarching and sprinkling the path with filtered sunlight, there opened a little clearing with the rock face carved into a large square portal, with a few steps leading up to an archway supported by four stone columns, two on each side.

 _Like Petra_ , Sayid thought, overcome with wonder, though this facade looked very different from the rosy sandstone of the ancient desert fortress.

Made from the black, igneous rock of the island, the simple shape of the facade was that of classic Greece, but not smooth, instead rippled in the shape of many parallel indentations and tiny holes, the nature of lava which has become rock.

The dark entrance was slightly rounded, a large lava tube which had somehow been worn over time, hollowed and smoothed, giving the _darshan_ of living rock. 

As they approached the steps, Sayid felt himself settle into himself, something new, the delicious floating feeling one with the air's caress, his feet warm on the soil as they walked, as he listened to the birds in the gentle sunlight. They stopped at the steps, and Jacob was smiling so warmly, he was so full of emotion as he spoke.

“Welcome, Sayid. Welcome at last to my home.”


	29. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINAL EDIT NOTES:
> 
> Will the sixteenth day
> 
> Jacob welcomes Sayid to his home and his bed.

 Jacob walked up and into the dark entry, stopping to light an old style oil lamp, low, with a round handle, then lit two others from it, still sitting on their little table against the wall. He carried one of the lamps the full length of a great room, placing it before a large  _murti_  of Lord Shiva,  _pranaming_  to God in the act of creation, Jacob's forehead touching the floor for several moments before he came to his feet again and stepped back, hand at his heart.

Taking one of the other lamps, Sayid walked towards him, looking upward with amazement.  _Like a temple_... he thought as he looked around at the high ceiling and the rough walls.

A large room with a tall, arched ceiling was held up by two evenly spaced columns, from which were cast a rippling play of sharp shadows on the wall and ceiling in the dancing light of the lamps. Jacob walked to him, holding his lamp up so that it shined with Sayid's lamp on the walls, hung with panel after panel of beautiful Tibetan  _thangkas_ , colorful images of the Buddhas painted onto silk. There were also the beautiful  _murtis_  of Indian gods, with silk scarfs arranged upon them and at their feet; the large, intricate Shiva Nataraj in brass, and on each side a white stone  _murti_  of Lord Krishna and his brother Balaram, and of the mother of righteousness, Durga Ma upon her lion.

“These are my companions,” Jacob said with warmth and feeling, speaking of living beings. Sayid was enchanted by Jacob's happy warmth and boyish excitement. “Come, there is more...” Jacob was moving with purpose, taking up his clothes and smiling at Sayid, continuing towards the far corner and the little archway framed in a very faint, warm light, dark and mysterious.

Jacob allowed Sayid to go first. As they approached, Sayid could see that there were two archways, at right angles, thick stone arches that were small enough to touch with one's head. These arches both opened into the same, “L” shaped room beyond, with high, tiny square windows letting in a little of the sunlight from outside. As they walked through the archway, Sayid could feel a very slight breeze moving over his naked body, flowing into the temple room, continuing out of the front entrance, making their lamp lights dance together as they walked through.

Jacob stood in the middle of the room, watching and enjoying Sayid's surprise and awe as he turned slowly, enchanted by the spacious room. The floor was polished stone, and the walls were rough hewn, hung with old tapestries in browns and greens, pinks and cream. A large bed piled with dark bedding and pillows overflowing onto a beautiful Persian rug in pink and pink-red, with dark green, a garden of paisley flowers and stylized birds facing the symbols for the hanging lamp and  _mihrab_. The room had the calming aroma of sandalwood, which Sayid guessed to come from several simple items of furniture which appeared to be crafted from the fragrant wood. There was a desk with books and writing materials, and bookshelves filled and spilling over with books.

In one corner of the room lit by the light from the high windows there stood a large loom, taller than Sayid, with a good portion of course fabric woven in strange designs. Nearby stood a spinning wheel, next to a small stool surrounded by the pieces and forms of fishing baskets and fishing nets, with materials for making thread and the rough twine, and finished thread and twine wound upon makeshift spools.

Jacob took Sayid's clothes and placed them with his own clothes on a low chest. He watched with pleasure as Sayid walked around the room, examining Jacob's possessions in the light of his lamp and the sunlight from the little windows, which he could see at the top of one wall.

Sayid was drawn to the books, and what they might reveal about his enigmatic lover. They were of different time periods, loosely grouped. Holding the lamp close, he saw Flannery O'Connor and Joan Didion, Ursula K. Leguin and Sherri Tepper. Victor Hugo, Dickens, and Proust. Henry Miller, Henry James. Edith Wharton, Bronte, and Colette. Here was Plato, Dante, Virgil and Kant, The Confessions of St. Augustine, Johannes Kepler and Arthur Koestler. Tennyson, Wadsworth and an elaborately bound Coleridge. He recognized old titles in Arabic, wondering if they might be from the Moorish renaissance during the Middle Ages. On a separate shelf lined with silk, there was an elegantly bound Mahabarata and Bhagavad Gita with Shiva Sutras, Spandakarikas and Pratyabhijnahrdayam. Next to the bookshelf there was a low map cabinet on which rested a large picture book of the works of Albrecht Durer, and other picture books underneath it.

As he continued around the room, Sayid noticed an Arab-English dictionary and a Quran partially covered by an ornate silk cloth on the desk, which was covered by loose piles of paper, some with drawings and some with hand written text.  _I will let him show me..._  he thought, not shining his lamp there.

Next to the bed there was a large, low cabinet with more books, Barbara Kingsolver, Gore Vidal, Shivastotravali and a well-worn Conan Doyle. Under a large hurricane style lamp, reading glasses, a rough bound book that Sayid guessed was a journal, and a deep blue purse made of silk, its contents a mystery. There were also two flutes finely made of wood, one larger and more ornate than the other, with silk cords attached.

Jacob had placed his lamp on this table, and Sayid placed his near it.

Sayid turned back to Jacob, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Sayid learn about him from his home and possessions.

"Tell me, my love, what is this place?” Sayid asked quietly, his voice that of someone completely given to wonder, knowing Jacob would not answer.

Jacob was smiling, enjoying the special wonder of enjoying intimacy with a being much younger than he. Turning on the bed, he opened the covers, moving to make room for Sayid.

"Come into my bed, beloved," Jacob said with great feeling, embracing Sayid with the covers and his arms as they settled together into the center of Jacob's universe, his home and his bed.

 

**~ END OF BOOK THE FIRST ~**

 

* * *

 

**_So ends the FIRST BOOK of the trilogy HEART OF THE ISLAND_**

 

**|| BOOK TWO is here:[The Heart of the Island: Book Two](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1545329) ||**

**|| BOOK THREE is here:[The Heart of the Island: Book Three](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2280219/chapters/5011035) ||**

**Dear reader, these three books equal the length of a standard novel**

 

** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN EXCERPT FROM THE SECOND BOOK OF HEART OF THE ISLAND:  
> Come down to me... Jacob thought as he opened the bed to Sayid, welcoming him with his eyes, making room for him, rolling them up together in the center of the large, luxurious bed. He wrapped Sayid in his arms with great affection, squeezing him, rubbing him, rocking with him. He put his face against Sayid and felt tears start in his eyes as he relaxed into a happiness that enveloped his loneliness, dissolving the insistent ache, filling the empty place with a new beginning. ~ from BOOK TWO: Heart of the Island


End file.
